Forgive and...

I have been carrying around a lot of resentment lately. There are some folks out there that have done me wrong and I found out a little too late to do anything about it. I managed the fallout for what I actually had control over (which was very little, like much in life) relatively well and I am doing much better now.

In times of disagreement or misunderstanding, I prefer to open the lines of communication in order to get to the heart of the matter. Unfortunately, the timing is far too late to truly deal with these issues now. Folks remain oblivious, much as I was when all of this went down, but the wounds are fresh for me. I have felt hurt, betrayed, vulnerable, and more recently, angry.

I don't like to be angry. It's not me.

I heard a great quote today by Nelson Mandela, "Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies."

Truly, holding on to anger and resentment does not help this situation. Harboring such feelings really only causes me more pain. It's not fun. I don't want them to cloud my heart any longer. That seems awfully selfish. But the longer I hold on to this resentment, the longer I will remain as an ugly person. I say ugly, because I feel very ugly for acting distant and unlike myself. I want to return to warm, sincere, goofy, fun-loving me. I know that we must wear different masks for different spaces but I don't like the ugly one.

So, I am trying to conjure up the compassion within me to forgive others. It's really hard. It's so much easier to be angry. I feel like they should know how I feel that I've been wronged. But what good will that do? I don't need to be "right" about this and I don't want to cause any more friction.

But I'm not really sure where I should begin in order to forgive sincerely. How do I let go?

Last day of class

Today, while waiting for the bus, I stopped myself to observe the clouds. I don't remember the last time I just stopped. Watching the moisture gather, moving with the air current, forming this white and gray cloud against a stark cerulean sky. It was beautiful.

Starting Over

It's nearly 2am and it seems as though the sandman is having a difficult time finding me tonight. Really, my inability to find solace in a pillow comes from this bit of anxiousness building in my gut. Tomorrow (today), I will be facilitating a workshop, with the help of my dear colleague, for grad students and faculty in our department. Perhaps I'm nervous, perhaps it's other stresses (I have plenty), I can't tell exactly, but I am not really feeling tired- that's a fact. If am nervous, I am certain that those feelings will fade after a rigorous hour spent with the Austin Boxing Babes in the morning.

Yeah, I'm taking boxing classes now.

Obviously, it has been ages since my last post. Much has happened between then and now. However, rather than taking on the heady task of filling in the blanks now- which would inevitably result in writing paralysis- I will simply acknowledge that I need to write more. And I will.

I need to loosen up these stiff fingers and grease the rusty cogs in my brain to become more accustomed to writing on the regular. After all, I am expected to write a dissertation one of these days. So, what better way than to get back into blogging again?

It's time to shift gears and start exploring the ideas and events that get my creative juices flowing. Until next time...

The cultivation of Home in a new city

Home is a place whereas a house is a space.

A house arguably does not become a home until it is filled with items which are attached with symbolic meanings (see Domosh & Seager for a discussion on the topic of home and feminist geography). Yet the concept of home as a place can be understood at different scales- it does not necessarily need to be contained in one space, such as a house or apartment- rather the idea of home can be contained within oneself (body) or extended to country of birth, the possibilities abound. Athens, Ohio was my home.

It has been nearly a month since I made the epic journey across the states from Ohio to Texas. Life has kept me busy by throwing challenge after challenge my way. I am thankful to still have a strong network of friends and family around the US who have been able to help me get through this most recent string of challenges. Because truthfully, even the most independent of folks needs a little help every now and again.

Among my many challenges this month has been finding a new apartment. As it turns out, the house in which I am "living in" now is not quite what I had in mind. In short, my roommates and I have very different lifestyles when it comes to living with dogs so I am opting to move out. Which is unfortunate because both of my roommates are incredibly nice but as it stands, Nando and I cannot live according to the rules set in place. Thankfully, for the last couple of weeks I have been living at my advisor's apartment, watching her dogs, so Nando and I have been out of my roommates' hair if you will.

Sleeping in a real bed has been very nice. But because I am dog-sitting and also watching another professor's cat at another house I have been jumping from house to house on a daily basis. Add to that, the fact that I am living out of a suitcase and I occasionally have to go back to "my house" to pick up items, then mix into the equation work (yes, I am actually working in addition to dog-sitting and cat-sitting) and one could understand that I simply have not made a "home" for myself in Austin quite yet.

Admittedly, I miss Athens.

I miss being able to walk everywhere that I need to go. I miss running into folks I know at any given time/place. I miss taking Nando to the dog park and having conversations with other dog owners who pamper their dogs just as much as me. I miss being able to walk upstairs to have a heart-to-heart with my best friend or to walk just a couple houses down my street to enjoy tacos and hookah with my favorite doctors. I miss blowing off steam on the bike path or at the pond at SuBAMUH. I miss having friends for whom I can cook delicious meals. I miss hugs.

I miss many things.

But the truth is that the cultivation of community, friendship and love- key components of a home for me - takes time. As Terkenli (1995) discusses:

Historical time becomes the central dimension to the idea of home, because habits that repetitively unfold in specific contexts differentiate these locales or circumstances from the rest of the known world. Therein lies the meaning of home as "a place where every day is multiplied by all the days before it" (Tuan 1977, 144).

Notably, Yi Fu Tuan is also quoted in this little block of text defining home as, "a place where every day is multiplied by all the days before it". And so, as the days pass, I too will eventually come to know Austin as my home. I first need to find a space to call my own.

Apartment hunting at this point is slim pickin's. With such short notice, the school year fast approaching and a Nando dog (folks are anti-German Shepherd around here)- I have had a hard time finding any open apartments that will accept my application. There is one place that I have applied to that looks promising- keep your fingers crossed. With luck, I will be move into my new apartment on September 5th. As the school year begins and I settle into my apartment- into my own life (as opposed to the trans-local house-sitting life that is very much not my own), I will be able to establish my "routine" and surely Austin will begin to feel more like home. Naturally, along the way I imagine I will pick up a few new friends here and there.

As it stands, I have made a couple new friends so far. Most seem like fleeting acquaintances but a couple are definitely worth keeping around. We shall see where life takes us.

On that note, I need to be on my way- I have doggies to walk and a friend to meet.

Hasta luego.

Spring is in the Air- Summer fast approaches

There is one thing about the changing seasons that I will truly miss when I move- the symbolism of rebirth. As Spring begins to unfold I feel a renewed sense of self- as though the real me is waking up again.

It is so bizarre to me- how my mood is so contingent upon the weather. I feel more like myself, more me, more alive, when the sun is shining and I am able to function outside without protective clothing. It makes sense though, I am more able to do the things that bring me joy when the weather is favorable- like gardening and yard work, hiking with the pooch, cleaning with the windows wide open and music blaring, bike rides, long walks to nowhere... it's the simple things. Even when the sun isn't shining though, waking to the sound of songbirds in the morning, seeing the crocuses and hyacinths make their way up through the soil, the smell of fresh rain, these things bring me just as much joy as the activities that can be done in warm weather. Still, there's something about sunshine that makes me feel invigorated.

I feel as though I can take on the whole World.

So in classic literary use of Spring as metaphor for new beginnings, I will employ this usage in the context of my life.

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. You are the [gal] who'll decide where to go.”

As summer fast approaches my life is headed in new directions and I couldn't be more excited.

I have spent the majority of Spring usin' mah brains within the realm of academia, yet rather than being the student I have been playing the role of professor. Teaching in the women and gender studies program has been an incredible learning experience! Certainly, this topic merits a post all on its own. As spring quarter comes to a close I do feel a bit of sadness, honestly. My students have been diligent, smart and encouraging- I will miss them. But I am happy to have known them, that they were my first class, and that some will remain in contact as they continue on their own journeys and I continue on mine.

Most folks are well aware by now that I am headed to Austin, TX to pursue my PhD in geography but I'll reiterate here. I was offered a rather delicious deal by the dept. of geog at UT and after my visit to Austin in March, how could I really pass up such a great opportunity?

Evergreen, heat, and sunshine are certainly a great combination for this Chicana. Add to the mix a spectacular department of geography, closer proximity to family and a big city and this Malinche is sold. Unfortunately, I will not be teaching my first year at UT but I look forward to teaching again during subsequent years.

I make the move from Athens to Austin at the end of this month. It's time to set out on my own once again.

Listening to: Indigo Girls - Rise Up, Muse- Butterflies and Hurricanes, Ani DiFranco- Shameless

A revolution without dancing...

Laughter rises up from a group sitting at a picnic table beneath the starlight. They are seated on the patio of Gibson's on S. Lamaar, some are finishing their inside-out sandwiches, most have a drink or two in front of them. Glasses clink. Threads are being spun and woven between this mix of faculty, graduate students, prospective students, family and friends. But most importantly, there is laughter.

The evening would soon take them to other parts of the city to enjoy live music at Emo's, with a special concert by The Noise Revival Orchestra. Naturally, there was dancing. A revolution without dancing is not worth having.

"What revolution?," you ask?

Why, one of the many upheavals that have/will occur throughout my lifetime brought forth by my own hands, of course! It is time, once again, to pack my bags and prepare for a new beginning. As it stands, I am months deep into the process. Yet, every day brings new opportunities- it is sometimes difficult to keep up as I continue forward. Still, these are exciting times.

Throughout the next 5 months, I will be getting myself ready to move across the country. I shall be ridding myself of most of my possessions, either through gift, donation or garage sale. The only items I intend to keep are my clothes, books, kitchenware and naturally, the mammals. But realistically, whatever I can fit in my car. This purging of goods is a way of starting from scratch- bringing only the bare necessities along with me.

"Okay... so where are you moving?"

That's a good question. I'm not entirely sure yet. But I can tell you that my recent visit to Austin has me leaning very much towards that option. I mean, on a superficial level I have to say, you have no idea how amazing it is to hear your name pronounced properly, consistently, after not hearing it for nearly two decades. On a more practical level, UT has a lot to offer me (something I will address in a later post) in terms of resources and support. I have been admitted with funding to UO and now I only wait for UA to let me know their admissions decision.

So, as the coming weeks bring a dramatic shift in my working situation, so too will they bring news of my nearing future. Until then... patience.

A funny thing happened...

Last night I had a dream that I was driving my car West on US 33, towards Columbus. As I was veering left on the ramp in order to stay on 33 W (you know, where it forks towards Lancaster and the speed limit picks back up to 65) I took a sharp left and drove off of the (now) bridge. I remember thinking, "Oh shit." Then there was suddenly water beneath me and the car, and the road was no longer behind/above me. I slowly made my descent and remember that the water below was relatively still, save for the ripples of the wind and I thought to myself, "It's okay, I am going to survive this." Maybe that was when I had the "Ah ha!" moment in realizing that it was all a dream because just as I the car was about to hit the water, I readied myself to jump out (naturally, my sunfire became a convertible making it so much easier to make my escape) and I woke up.

I am no dream interpreter. If I had to guess I would say that I dreamed about driving to Columbus because I have driven there three times in the last two weeks and maybe I am stressed so the car going off the bridge symbolizes that, or something. Makes sense.

If I was a dream interpreter maybe I would say that driving a car represents my life and my ability to move forward. The road will take me to my goals. Could the road represent my desire to become a professor? Unfortunately, in my dream, I drove off the road. The thing is, I drove off the road. In my dream, I chose to take that hard left. Perhaps that hard left represents my decision to stay in Athens for a little while, the decision to do the AmeriCorps gig. So I have chosen to deviate from my path for the time being, I'm still making progress. But in the dream the consequences were not violent. Even as the car careened off of the bridge/road, I had the mindset that everything would be okay. The water is calm. Supposedly water represents emotion and I would say that hits the nail - spot on. And I survive the fall. So I assume anyway, otherwise I don't believe I would have woken up as I had.

So, dreams have a funny way of telling us what our subconscious is thinking. While I am no dream interpreter, it is kind of interesting to ponder. Also, reassuring. If this is all shades of confusing to you, I am not going to apologize. Maybe you should call me and catch up, eh?

Oh right, one last thing. When I woke up from my dream, I was lying on my side and I opened my eyes and I saw something looking down on me. Whatever it was, looked translucent green and red and it gave me chills but I had already grappled with the fact that I had been dreaming a crazy dream just seconds before and I was too tired to be afraid. So, I rolled over, ignoring whatever it was (and it was probably nothing) glanced at the clock (it was 3:48am), groaned and fell asleep once again.

Needless to say, it was creepy to think about this morning.

Peace.