The intention of this particular blog is to look back on my first year in grad school, revisit some thoughts and concerns I had when I first moved to Athens and to explain where I am now. (Ha! Am I living in the world of academia or what? That's my SOP right there...)
Reflecting upon some blogs that I've written in the past I see a recurring theme: community. So what? What's the big deal with community? Why have I been so concerned with it? This is something I will come back to in a moment. First...
Here's a fun fact about grad school that no one shared with me before: When you go to grad school, your life will be consumed by academia. Subsequently, this makes it easy to lose touch with friends, family and yourself.
No kidding?
Seriously. It happens.
I was very worried, when I first moved to Athens, that in the short time that I would have in this town, I would not be able to cultivate a community that would make me feel as at home as I felt in Grand Rapids. Although I made friends with people in the department, I was feeling very lonely and was even bordering depression for my first quarter. To make up for this, rather in actuality to deny myself any understanding of these feelings, I drowned myself in work.
In my own defense, I really didn't know what to expect as far as the workload was concerned for my first year here. I also don't think I was the only one. There were many times when I would walk into the grad student office and the stress was so high I could feel it. It was easy for us to play the comparison game, "How far did you get on such and such assignment?" "I've got a couple pages written." "Oh, okay. I have five pages done so far..." You know, that sort of thing does not help a person deal with stress, really. It only cultivates such feelings, causing one to freak out and spend an unnecessary amount of time on particular papers, projects, etc. Similarly, and this is something I've recently realized, worrying and freaking out about the amount of work one has as a grad student does nothing to alleviate the situation, it's just another form of procrastination and makes you and others feel bad. But I digress.
I was on the same boat as the other grads, stressed-out, worried and emersing myself in any work that came my way. In doing this I lost touch with myself. I questioned who I was, why I even bothered with grad school, if I was really cut out to do this academic stuff and why I was in Athens. It was a rough time.
Returning to Grand Rapids for winter break helped to ground me and my trip to Nicaragua was eye-opening. Many of you remember the trials and tribulations that I faced and shared via blog, I'm sure. Being around those that I had come to call "family" in GR helped me to realize what I need to be healthy, to be grounded, to be sane. I don't need stuff, things or money, no. I need community. I need the love and support of the people around me.
This is an interesting concept to me, especially since I've been diving into bell hooks' recent publication, Belonging: A Culture of Place (I highly recommend it), which deals with topics such as mountain top removal, topophillia, ecology, environmental sustainability, local organic food production and spirituality, as well as the politics of race, gender and class. In addition to all of these issues, hooks also explores her connection with the place of her upbringing. This caused me to reflect on my own childhood.
It makes sense to me now, why I crave community so badly. I recall growing up in an environment that was often characterized by emotional and physical drought. Not that I was never shown love, that's not the case at all, my family loved me very much. Rather, my family was often busy either working to make ends meet or continuing their education to try to get better pay to support us (the children). I was often left alone. However, when there was an extended weekend or time for vacation it was like a monsoon of connectivity occurred. There were many occasions when our house was full of guests either for a holiday or simply a weekend cookout. Some days it was just a gathering after church to enjoy barbacoa fresh from the butcher.
These gatherings were not limited to family but also neighbors and friends. When these events happened there was an obvious atmosphere of happiness. I could feel an outpouring of love and acceptance from those who attended. I was so young then, I didn't understand what the adults were talking about, I didn't need to understand though. What I witnessed stayed with me into adulthood. The community that my mother and father created for themselves in Pontiac was their web of support. They were the people that my family depended upon and there was a palpable sense of love and respect between my parents and their extended family.
I long for those days to return.
Looking back to when I first began to create my own community in Grand Rapids, I held art parties and potlucks with people that I had met through work (then I worked as a waitress at a Mexican restaurant and a barrista in a coffee shop). These people came from all walks of life and exposed me to new ideas, music, food... so much! This exposure enriched my life. Though at the time I had been extremely busy, working two jobs and going to school full time, I made time to gather with these people so that I could feel that connection to something other than the work that seemed so close to consuming my life. These people were those that I considered to be my extended family, people with whom I shared a mutul support, respect and love.
It took me a couple of years before I was able to cultivate this community in Grand Rapids. I realize now it was because I was not aware that this is what I needed to keep myself grounded. The time it took to find these wonderful people however, is what made me fear for the time I would spend here in Athens. I assumed that I would not create a new community until I was nearly finished with graduate school. Boy was I wrong!
As I said before, it was returning to Grand Rapids for winter break and my trip to Nicaragua that snapped me out of my funk. So, upon returning to Athens I recognized that I needed to make some changes in my life. I needed to re-establish that work-life balance and to create the community that I so deeply longed for in Athens.
I'm happy to say that I feel more at home in Athens now than I ever have before. My friends are not limited to the department but are quite diverse, ranging from townies to professors. Attending potlucks, cookouts and holding potlucks/cookouts of my own has helped me to expand my circle of friends. Also, some of the classes that I have taken in women and gender studies has helped me meet some wonderful and amazing people.
By visiting the farmer's market on a regular basis I have come to know some farmers by name. More often than not, while shopping for fresh, local produce, I run into people that I know and have joyful conversations beneath a beautiful blue sky. I have also come to know the owners and staff of one of my favorite restaurants as well as a couple of local bars.
On another note, I have learned to recognize when I've been working too much and have learned to take time for myself. I'm so thankful that Athens is located in the foothills of Appalachia. Hiking, swimming, canoeing are all accessible options for a much needed time-out. Although it's nice to surround myself by friends it's also so necessary for me to have time alone, to recharge. This is always best accomplished, for me, by getting out into nature.
Evidently, I really enjoy life here in Athens. I love my friends and my home (if you haven't seen the photos, you should check them out). It's really beautiful out here. There really isn't much more a girl could ask for.
I'm often asked what I plan to do when I graduate from grad school. Honestly, I don't know and I don't care to think that far ahead because I'm enjoying life right now. If it came down to it though, I know I would be happy staying in Athens. I do know, however, that I don't anticipate continuing on for my PhD. Mostly because I don't think academia is where I want to be and that's okay.
This has been a great year of growth for me. I'm truly blessed. Thanks to everyone who has helped to make this town my home. You are all very wonderful people and I'm happy to have you in my life.
Peace.
The adventure of life is to learn.
The goal of life is to grow.
The nature of life is to change.
The challenge of life is to overcome.
The essence of life is to care.
The secret of life is to dare.
The beauty of life is to give.
The joy of life is to love!
~William Arthur Ward
P.S. A practical update on my status as a grad student will follow shortly.
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