I feel this way for a couple/few reasons really... and I'll just warn you now that this post will likely be long, convoluted and will be full of emotion and touchy-feely, squishy things.
So most of you know that earlier this year I was invited by my advisor (also my boss this quarter- I'm her TA) to guest lecture during a class session in her Human Geography course (my TA assignment). My initial reaction was fraught with anxiety and fear but after rationalizing the whole situation (as I tend to do) I realized that guest-lecturing would be an incredible opportunity and great practice for me. Naturally, I agreed. Risa gave me my choice of lectures and material stating that if she enjoyed my lecture enough she may want to incorporate it into her course next year. What an honor! At the same time- the pressure was on.
The following passages are long, you could probably skip all of it, read my Discussion section and still understand what has happened.
The Process:
I wanted this lecture to be good. I decided on the Cultural Geography section of the course and thought that tackling issues of identity would be a breeze. So a few weeks before I was scheduled to lecture I came up with a slideshow/outline to present to Risa. It was based mostly on my brief obsession with the Guido-culture/identity phenomenon that occurred alongside the reality tv show the Jersey Shore...
Risa rejected this idea, with good reason. I was unfocused and thinking about concepts that were too abstract for undergraduates to comprehend at their level (I'm heavy into theory). Even with my examples from pop culture it was too much for them to grasp. The truth of the matter was that in this first attempt I tried to cover too much in a short amount of time.
Fair enough, back to the drawing board.
A few days later I brought a new outline to Risa and she loved it. Not only had my ideas become more focused but the concepts I wished to address would be easy for the undergrads to understand. Score!
With only two weeks before my lecture, I had plenty of time to gather my thoughts and create notes and of course to practice. Or I could just push it all aside until it was time to give the presentation. Which do you suppose I did?
I like to think that I procrastinate for practical reasons. Typically, I put off doing things based on their importance and the time-line, taking into account other work that has to be done. Not that this lecture was not important because it most definitely was. It's just that I had other matters to attend to at the time.
So as the weeks became days I began to think about the lecture again and tried to think up good notes to use. Similarly, I realized after looking at my slides again, that I had a bit more work to do in order to beef up my presentation. Looking for good pictures and graphs is VERY important... and takes up a LOT of time. Before I knew it the majority of my time had been spent looking up demographic and statistical information and not enough time was spent practicing.
My stomach was one big knot every day that I worked on my lecture and every day that passed without me actually practicing.
I was going to bomb this. I just knew it. Risa would be disappointed in me, I would hate teaching and my plans to get my PhD would be blown out of the water (why get a PhD if you don't want to teach?).
That Fateful Day:
Tuesday, the 23rd of February 2010
The morning had been spent putting the finishing touches on my slides, having a meeting with my case worker (grad students get food stamps :-D ) and FINALLY practicing my lecture. I was a mess. Grant it, I made sure to get plenty of sleep and ate a filling breakfast but I was a giant ball of nerves. Shortly before class began I sat down in Risa's office and expressed this to her and she gave me some of the best wisdom a freshman lecturer could ever receive.
To paraphrase:
You have good reason to be nervous, you're being thrown into this earlier than most people. Even before I started teaching as a PhD grad student I had experience holding discussion groups of 25 or more students at the Master's level. But don't worry Marina. Speaking in front of undergrads is way easier than speaking in front of professionals or your peers. There's nothing to be afraid of, you know more about this subject than they do so they can't challenge any of your ideas. Plus, you're a great public speaker! And if it makes you feel any better you can think of it this way; it's the day after the exam, there will be fewer people in class and most of them will be busy texting and wont pay any attention any way.
I have the best advisor in the world.
I mulled over these pearls of wisdom as she and I walked to class. We talked about whatever silly things we usually talk about as we walk together and my mind was no longer obsessed (well not entirely) on the task ahead of me.
Risa took me on a different (new to me!) route to class - the "secret" back entrance to Bentley Hall. Then we entered the classroom. My stomach knotted up again as I uploaded my ppt slideshow. When it came time to start Risa introduced me as her guest lecturer to the class and of course had to add the one thing I asked her not to say, "Marina asked me not to say this because she said she'd blush but I'm going to say it anyway. I want you folks to go easy on her, this is her first time lecturing so she needs your support!"
You guessed it, I blushed.
Thanks Risa... and so I began.
I never expected to feel the relief that occurred as soon as I started to speak. It was as though flood gates had been opened and the pressure which had been building for weeks was finally relieved. I felt so at ease as I asked the students questions and engaged them in discussion over my topic. And just so you all know the purpose of my lecture was to get the students thinking about how different identity groups use spaces differently, the differing levels of mobility that certain groups experience and also how different spaces can construct identity.
The truth. I LOVED being in front of the students and trying to engage them in discussion. I had fun. The whole lecture went so smoothly and I felt great. I think maybe the students enjoyed it as well. Some were actually listening and quite a few participated.
Afterwards:
There was applause which I'm pretty sure was initiated by Risa. She came up to me and commented that I didn't look at all nervous and that I had actually surprised her with my teaching style. She didn't know what to expect because I've given formal presentations in the past reading directly from a script. This time I had no script and went solely on instinct and held knowledge. She told me I looked totally comfortable in front of the classroom and did a great job.
Did I mention I have the best advisor in the world?
A couple students stayed after class and talked about some of the ideas I presented in the lecture. They are the students who normally sit up front and stay after to talk a bit with Risa and I about material on a normal basis but it felt nice to know they were listening.
Thoughts on the not-too-distant future AKA Discussion:
I'm really glad I had the opportunity to try lecturing before I went on to get my PhD. By standing in front of those students and putting on a show I was able to realize that I REALLY DO enjoy teaching. The experience was totally worth all of the anxiety because I am now certain of the path I'm headed in for my future career.
I had already decided to stay in Athens another year because I want to pursue my PhD. Part of my rationale for staying in Athens is that I was a little late in deciding that I wanted to continue my education. By taking this year off from academia I would have time to think things through, gain some experience in the social service sector and decide whether or not I wanted to pursue work in that arena. Similarly, I realized that if I were to move elsewhere (i.e. Grand Rapids) to work as an adjunct faculty member at a community college for a period I would have to pick up and move again after a year in order to attend the college I choose. This seems like a lot of unnecessary moving.
By staying in Athens I have numerous job opportunities/possibilities, many of which are with Americorps. If I work with Americorps I will not only be able to work in the social service sector but I will also be able to pay off part of my student loans and remain on food stamps. If I don't get a job with Americorps (and the stars align and the Dean gives the okay) I may have an opportunity to work as an adjunct faculty member for the Women's and Gender Studies or Geography departments here at OU teaching some of the introductory courses (like Intro to Feminisms or Human Geography). Grant it, I have now only given one lecture but after being TA for Human Geog for a year, sitting in on every class and having slides, notes and example exams I'm pretty sure I could handle the task. ALSO I'll have more time to volunteer and I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to volunteer for Passionworks Studio, staying in Athens will give me the chance to do so. And, of course, it will be nice to be in Athens while Joe finishes his Master's degree- you know, we kind of like each other. PLUS I get to live with Melissa for another year and she is my favorite. :)
So, while I had already decided on staying in Athens, this lecture really drove home the fact that this path is the correct one for me. I feel more confident than ever with my decision to continue in academe. I realize that I will be facing great challenges in terms of completing my degree and gaining an academic appointment but I am certain that I am capable of meeting those challenges. I know that teaching, being a professor is what I'm called to do. And I'm feeling pretty sure that I want to continue within the discipline of Geography while pursuing Feminist, Mexican-American research. Of course, research interests are fluid and ever changing. At the very least, I'm sticking to my women's and gender studies interests.
Once this Master's thesis is written I plan to become more active in the community here in Athens. Although I decided to continue my education to become a professor, I haven't lost touch with my drive to help others and to become active in the social service sector. As I stated before, I hope to become involved with Passionworks Studio and perhaps My Sister's Place (local women's shelter) if I am able. Also, I intend to become more involved with the LGBTQ and Feminist activist circles. I gotta stick to my radical roots, y'know? :)
Closing Remarks:
I'm really thankful for having such a supportive and encouraging advisor as well as friends and family. If it weren't for these great people in my life I wouldn't be where I am or headed on the path that I'm walking. I'm really blessed. Thanks everyone!
