Forgive and...

I have been carrying around a lot of resentment lately. There are some folks out there that have done me wrong and I found out a little too late to do anything about it. I managed the fallout for what I actually had control over (which was very little, like much in life) relatively well and I am doing much better now.

In times of disagreement or misunderstanding, I prefer to open the lines of communication in order to get to the heart of the matter. Unfortunately, the timing is far too late to truly deal with these issues now. Folks remain oblivious, much as I was when all of this went down, but the wounds are fresh for me. I have felt hurt, betrayed, vulnerable, and more recently, angry.

I don't like to be angry. It's not me.

I heard a great quote today by Nelson Mandela, "Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies."

Truly, holding on to anger and resentment does not help this situation. Harboring such feelings really only causes me more pain. It's not fun. I don't want them to cloud my heart any longer. That seems awfully selfish. But the longer I hold on to this resentment, the longer I will remain as an ugly person. I say ugly, because I feel very ugly for acting distant and unlike myself. I want to return to warm, sincere, goofy, fun-loving me. I know that we must wear different masks for different spaces but I don't like the ugly one.

So, I am trying to conjure up the compassion within me to forgive others. It's really hard. It's so much easier to be angry. I feel like they should know how I feel that I've been wronged. But what good will that do? I don't need to be "right" about this and I don't want to cause any more friction.

But I'm not really sure where I should begin in order to forgive sincerely. How do I let go?

Last day of class

Today, while waiting for the bus, I stopped myself to observe the clouds. I don't remember the last time I just stopped. Watching the moisture gather, moving with the air current, forming this white and gray cloud against a stark cerulean sky. It was beautiful.

Starting Over

It's nearly 2am and it seems as though the sandman is having a difficult time finding me tonight. Really, my inability to find solace in a pillow comes from this bit of anxiousness building in my gut. Tomorrow (today), I will be facilitating a workshop, with the help of my dear colleague, for grad students and faculty in our department. Perhaps I'm nervous, perhaps it's other stresses (I have plenty), I can't tell exactly, but I am not really feeling tired- that's a fact. If am nervous, I am certain that those feelings will fade after a rigorous hour spent with the Austin Boxing Babes in the morning.

Yeah, I'm taking boxing classes now.

Obviously, it has been ages since my last post. Much has happened between then and now. However, rather than taking on the heady task of filling in the blanks now- which would inevitably result in writing paralysis- I will simply acknowledge that I need to write more. And I will.

I need to loosen up these stiff fingers and grease the rusty cogs in my brain to become more accustomed to writing on the regular. After all, I am expected to write a dissertation one of these days. So, what better way than to get back into blogging again?

It's time to shift gears and start exploring the ideas and events that get my creative juices flowing. Until next time...