Something completely different...

The evening began as a call to arms.

Rather, a call for open arms.

There was a time that I felt threatened by most other women. Girls. I was a girl then. I never would have dreamed that these rivals would someday turn out to be my greatest blessings.

But that's a different story entirely.

I am reminded this evening, by my dear friends, how important it is to have a network of strong women in my life. For support, encouragement, acceptance, love... you know, that stuff that as humans we all need. This reminder has prompted me to write tonight.

After an evening filled with laughter an acceptance I came home feeling good. Over the last few days I have been feeling so much lighter and at ease. I'm truly thankful to the women, and men, in my life who have helped to make this so. Holiday drama aside, I've been doing quite a bit of thinking lately. As my thesis progresses and my graduation date draws near many have posed the same question to me: What will you do when you have your Master's degree?

For the longest time I had a laundry list of possibilities but never gave deep consideration to any of them. What can I say, I'm indecisive. Also, I always have felt that when the time came I would know in my heart of hearts that __________ was what I wanted to do. It just hasn't been that time yet.

Call me sentimental.

Now, I'm not saying I've simply sat back and have left everything up to fate. I still believe in my own ability to have a say in what my fate shall be. I've been perusing the internet in search of jobs in social justice work in the U.S. and internationally, as a professor at a community college, positions with the UN and elsewhere... yet nothing has really struck me.

Earlier I came across this quote by Rumi and decided to share it via our favorite social networking site:

Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love.

As I experienced the bonding and support shared by my cohorts this evening I remembered.

I remembered that feeling I had when I came home from Nicaragua. That desire to do something good in the world. The experience I had while volunteering was glorious and it made me see the importance of participating in social action.

When I returned home I found a letter in my inbox. It was a general cross-posting to a Feminist Geography listserve that I belong to- it was a solicitation (if you will) for a relatively new PhD program in Pennsylvania. The focus of this particular program is Globalization, Sustainability and Social Justice. Hm.. you have my interest.

After reading up on the description of the program I was still intrigued and looked through the list of Faculty.

As I read through the interests of one professor: ...feminist and critical race studies, social action research, community organizing by the poor, social change and the role of academics play... My heart kind of did something. I'd liken it to a tug.

Maybe this is the peanut butter talking... I want to go on for my PhD.

It sounds crazy, I know.

This program may not be the one for me but it has me thinking. I need to look into this further. Maybe I'm too late in the game or maybe this is the right time. Either way, I'm going to pursue this for now because it feels right.

I'm hoping to have another meeting with my advisor in the next week and ojala que she will have good advice for me. Risa has been so helpful and encouraging this last year. I think that if she hadn't been around I wouldn't have had as great of an experience with this academic process as I have had so far.

I'm not going to lie, this has me scared. Excited. But ultimately scared. As E put it, "The possibility of dreams can be terrifying." She's more spot on than I care to admit.

I end this evening with arms outstretched.

It's been a blessed day (and night).

Entre Fey, Politico y Amor

Monday: Managua- Fernando Cardenal

Sunday, July 5th, had been spent traveling back to Ciudad Sandino and resting. Once Monday arrived we were to be back at the grindstone, however we started off the day rather differently. We began the morning with a special treat, a trip to Managua to see Father Fernando Cardenal speak about his experience with promoting the literacy campaign in the 80s.

Father Cardenal is among the most recognized names in Nicaragua. Not only for his work on the literacy campaign but for his work with the FSLN. He was the one FSLN member elected to represent the Nicaraguan people in denouncing Somoza as a dictator, torturer and murderer to the U.S. Congress.

He worked diligently to get the literacy campaign in the mountains off the ground. Although this occurred after the Revolution, there was still a great amount of fear in his heart because anti-revolutionaries were fervently against this campaign and were willing to demonstrate this. The first casuality was a young woman who counterrevolutionaries had stopped as she made her way up the mountain to begin literacy classes. Her only crime was wanting to teach people to read and write. Yet people were willing to kill over politics, to see the FSLN fail. They threatened to kill anyone who attempted to go up the mountain.

This scare tactic certainly had an affect on Father Cardenal. He thought they would have the same affect on the people. However, when he took a helicopter to where the classes were held, he was met by 39 young women who chanted, "Not by bullets or by hits will they take us from the literacy crusade." Their strength, courage and valor was felt by Nicaraguans everywhere. This slogan and another, "Our bunch will not be completely libereated until everyone can read." were repeated throughout the mountainsides and the literacy campaign continued.

The counterrevolutionaries managed to kill seven brigade members, threatening to masacre everyone if they continued their lessons. However, they soon realized that their threats were useless. Over 40,000 people were teaching in the cities and more than 60,000 young people were teaching in the rural mountains. The effects of this literacy campaign were profound in not only its original intent but also in the leadership skills that young people realized in themselves.
Father Cardenal's story is touching and I wish I had time to share what he told us of his first days in Jesuit school but I do not. He has written a book, "Priesthood in the Revolution" which I would highly recommend checking out sometime. What he shared with us in this morning was more effective than anything that I have done in Nicaragua thus far. His conviction to devote his life to the liberation of the poor and for justice permeates his life and this includes his politics. While being a fervent supporter of the FSLN in the past, he also recognizes the corruption of Daniel Ortega that has taken place in the last two decades. Father Cardenal has resigned from the FSLN and has also publicly denounced Daniel Ortega, as he denounced the Somoza regime so long ago.

He left us with a few words of wisdom, which he has suggested for uniting the people of Nicaragua, and really, any place that is divided by politics.

"Dialogue and Love are necessary. Dialogue borne from love is the only thing that brings divided communities together."

"If I commit myself to love, love will bring the liberation of others. Faith brings me to love, love brings me to work for the well being and liberation of all citizens. Liberation will always involve politics."

Thinking on these things, I realize that I am headed on the right path. The world is full of suffering yet it is also full of glorious wonders. I come from a privileged life and am capable of traveling the world to experience other cultures. However I am also capable of doing so much more for others, as I am realizing during my time here in Nicaragua. I am more certain now than ever before that I am to help make the world a better place for others. While I have the ability to join NGOs in their works, I am also educated in the politics of development organizations and so I would like to think that I am more able to be critical of an organization that I wish to be a part of some day.

The world is full of suffering but I am full of love. I'm not sure where life will take me next but I am certain that when I finish my Master's Degree I will be working with an organization of some sort to help in bettering society, whether it's in Appalachia, Central America or elsewhere.

Vacation Time in Nicaragua!

For a Saturday night, Fourth of July, the evening was quiet. The waves crashed gently against the rocks along the shore and a dog could be heard barking off in the distance. The only light was that cast by the nearly full moon reflecting on the lake's surface. The group had been laying on the dock naming the clouds as they formed, coming down the leeward side of Volcan Maderas, "That one looks like a poodle," said one. "Look over there! A swan!" said another. Although the trade winds cast these imagined creatures across Lago Colibolca, the temporality of the shape cumulus clouds was of no great import to this tranquil group.

Their giggles carried in the otherwise silent night and she smiled as she approached. She had been in the dining area, conversing with a Nicaraguan artisan/nomad who was rather keen on philosophy. Feeling a high from the great dialogue she has shared with this youth she asks, "So are you all still up for a swim?" Indeed, all but one of the group are ready to go for a late night swim.

She folds her clothes neatly and sets them on the dock then dives into the ebony hued water, sending ripples of silver across the surface. As she swims out towards the abyss following the trail of moonlight and feeling at home in the water, she reflects on the beauty that surrounds her and the blessings in her life as well as on the recent events which attribute to these.

Rewind: Friday- La Isla Ometepe

The day began, unofficially, as the five JHC volunteers awoke to the sound of howler monkeys calling out to one another at four in the morning. The volume and intensity of their howls suggested that the monkeys were no more than a hundred meters or so away... but then I am no good at guessing distances, let's say they were pretty damn close.

I digress.

Much later, the group officially woke up, they were to meet with Martha, a volunteer for Project Bonafide, sometime after breakfast for a tour of their farm. A wicked thunderstorm blew out the electricity and subsequently the water the night before and so there would be no showers this morning. This is no problem as the ground is thick with mud and the trek from Finca Magdalena to Bonafide's land would be messy.

Martha and Kat soon arrived at our hostel to lead us to their plot of land. After a jaunt through the mud laden forest and cattle fields we soon arrived to their corner of the island and they began giving us a tour of their farm. Project Bonafide is somewhat of an experiment in permaculture on this island with their primary concern being food security. This group of volunteers is trying to figure out which varieties of agriculture (including subsistence, medicinal and commercial) can exist sustainably in this microclimate while maximizing the uses of these materials. They showed us everything from mangoes to bamboo and fixed us a delicious lunch prepared with food from their crops. They are truly ambitious in that they want to teach the locals how to cook with these foods and how to use the building materials they are growing. Project Bonafide hopes to one day have a community kitchen in town where they can teach children how to cook and eat healthy foods. Although they seem to have much work to do before they can accomplish this as one of the hardest things one can do is to try and change someone's eating habits. Currently they have a system set up where community members can trade items such as beans and rice for plants from their nursery. This group has taken on a lot. It seems idealistic at the start, however, with what they've done so far it would be interesting to see what they are able to do for the people of this land.

Saturday- Hacienda Merida

Following our tour Friday, we hopped a bus to Merida where we were to spend two more evenings.

I had been to Hacienda Merida on my last visit to La Isla Ometepe and had an enjoyable time. There was no doubt in my mind that this would be any different.

We woke up to have breakfast and discussed possible plans for the day. Some wanted to go hiking, all wanted to go kayaking and some wanted to go swimming. The day seemed to promise sunshine and mild weather, unlike the last couple of days which had been overcast and rainy, so I made up my mind to stay behind while the others went for a hike to see petroglyphs.

Following breakfast I headed out to the dock with my book. There was a man standing knee deep in the water fishing while his partner sat on the dock watching him. I settled myself onto the concrete and began to read. There were virtually no sounds other than the lapping of the water against the shore. Occasionally birds cried out in the distance and a dog mustered the energy to bark. After some time the couple left the area of the dock and I was the only one on the lake. Between chapters I would set my book down and watch the clouds as the tradewinds pushed them out into the distance then as I began to sweat I would jump into the lake to cool off. This would be one of the few times that I'd have any time alone and I savored every moment.

The group returned from their hike late in the afternoon. I had just finished my lunch and it was after 2:30pm. They were hungry and sweaty but we were all still determined to go kayaking after everyone had eaten.

Our destination was the swamps of el Rio Isidrio. The five of us skimmed the water in our kayaks, watching the Islanders as they played on the shore. Egrets and other waterfowl lined the reeds and watched us as we made our way towards the mouth of the river. We kayaked in near silence, hoping to see birds that we had never before encountered. Indeed, there were King Fishers, Eagles, Toucans, Sandpipers and unidentifiable birds galore! It was awe inspiring.

Nothing, however, can top our exit from the river.

It was growing late in the evening and the sun was quickly setting. As the sun set over the Volcan Concepcion, the moon was rising over Volcan Maderas. What a blessing! To our right was the sun and to our left the moon. The hues of the evening were warm and the sounds of the insects and birds ushered in the night as the sun disappeared behind the volcano. We did not need our headlamps for the moon was so bright it lit our way back to the hostel, shining directly over the dock where we were to port our kayaks.

We made it back in time for dinner. This was to be our last evening on the island, Fourth of July, and after making the most of our day, we certainly made the most of our night. The others went out to the dock to talk and swim while I stayed behind in the dining area, comparing the writings of Kahlil Gibran to the Bible with a Nicaraguan traveling artisan. I felt so blessed to be able to have this conversation with this young man. His thoughts on living a life of love and respect very much mirrored my own and were apropos after all that had happened in Nicaragua thus far.

Life is good.

One year down...

Because it's so much easier to procrastinate and write ten pages on something like my feelings and what I'm doing with my life rather than fifteen pages on Nicaragua, I'm going to post another update. :)

The last blog was obviously very psyche-centric. This one is much more visceral but equally narcissistic. Come on. It is my blog after all.

So for those of you who are just now tuning in or even those of you who have a vague idea of what's happening in my life right now, this post will hopefully shed some light on these things.

This first year in graduate school has been intense. I am thankful to say, however, that I am blessed to have been placed in a department full of supportive and helpful colleagues and professors. Also, the classes that I've taken have been particularly useful for helping me shape my theoretical and methodological approach to my thesis topic.

My advisor, especially, has been wonderful in providing me with the right amount of guidance, constructive criticism and push to keep me on track this year. My friend, the other day, made a comment about the relationship I have with my advisor, "That's just not normal." "What?" "You're not supposed to have so much fun with your advisor." He was referring to a conversation she and I were having in the office which consisted of about 60% laughter, 30% down-to-business talk and maybe 20% fashion comments. Usually, when I go to Risa's office to discuss my thesis or other matters, her own colleagues comment that we have way too much fun, based on the amount of laughter that they hear. Needless to say, whenever I leave her office I feel great, even when she tells me I need to rewrite an entire grant proposal 24 hours before it's due. It makes me sad to think that other people are not so fortunate to have this kind of relationship with their advisor. I'm really blessed.

Thanks to Risa and my litter-mate, Melissa (mi otra!), I was able to complete the thesis proposal process and received IRB (Institutional Review Board) approval for my research. My thesis proposal was successfully defended in the last week of May. The purpose of my research is to explore the ways in which women have participated in community-driven development and how this involvement has affected gender relations, with specifice regard to the Jubilee House Community in Ciudad Sandino, Nicaragua. If you aren't quite sure what that means and are itching to know more I can send you a copy of my thesis proposal and we can talk about it on the phone. Otherwise, I don't think I care to go into too much detail here.

Thanks to the help and cooperation of the Jubilee House Community I have arranged to volunteer in community-based development initiatives in Ciudad Sandino this summer. While in Ciudad Sandino I will be doing participant observations on a daily basis and I hope to conduct semi-structured interviews with members of the JHC, male and female, in order to answer my research questions. I'll be spending a total of six weeks in Nicaragua, starting June 21 until August 3 of this year. No worries! I won't be so transient like before, I'll be stationary in Ciudad Sandino for the majority of the time I spend in Nica. I found it necessary to apply for a few grants in order to conduct my field research; so far I've been declined by one organization and I haven't heard back from others. I'm paying my expenses out-of-pocket (until I hear back from a funder) and trusting that the Universe will take care of me (as it always does) when I return to Athens because I will once again be in a precarious financial situation.

I'm really excited to go abroad again. Although, it really hasn't sunk in that I'll be leaving the U.S. in a week. I still have so much to do to prepare. It also excites me to think that I'll actually be applying what I've learned in school to real life! Who'da thunk?!

Hmmm... what else?

When I return from Nicaragua in August I'll spend the rest of my summer here in Athens, hopefully working at a local restaurant to make ends meet. Then I only have one academic year left to finish working on my Master's Thesis. I'll certainly take more classes because I need a couple of credits to finish up my Women and Gender Studies Certificate.

I'm not sure what my graduate assistant appointment will be next year, they change every quarter, hopefully I'll be doing something fun.

For the first two quarters here at OU I worked with a team as a teaching assistant for an environmental geography course. That was pretty neat because I was able to help coordinate and lead fieldtrips for students so they could better understand the connections between geography and the environment. I also helped to coordinate a geography mini-conference that was held on campus in the fall. This last quarter I was a teaching assistant for a human geography course which was pretty nifty because I made up map quizzes and exams for the students and it wasn't very demanding. It really opened up my time slots to work more on my thesis proposal (which consumed my spring quarter).

It's pretty crazy to think that a year from now I will have defended my thesis and will be graduating with my degree in Geography. More to be excited about! Beyond that? That's neither here nor there. We'll see what life brings me, eh?

Well, I guess that's enough procrastination for now. If you have any questions, if I left something out, or what have you, feel free to ask!

Peace

Belonging: A Culture of Place (A Reflection on My First Year in Grad School)

It's been a while since I've had the time to write any sort of insightful reflection. This is in part due to the end of the quarter rush. We are now in our final week of the quarter; final exams, projects and assignments are due. I have a little bit of time at this moment and feel the need to write.

The intention of this particular blog is to look back on my first year in grad school, revisit some thoughts and concerns I had when I first moved to Athens and to explain where I am now. (Ha! Am I living in the world of academia or what? That's my SOP right there...)

Reflecting upon some blogs that I've written in the past I see a recurring theme: community. So what? What's the big deal with community? Why have I been so concerned with it? This is something I will come back to in a moment. First...

Here's a fun fact about grad school that no one shared with me before: When you go to grad school, your life will be consumed by academia. Subsequently, this makes it easy to lose touch with friends, family and yourself.

No kidding?

Seriously. It happens.

I was very worried, when I first moved to Athens, that in the short time that I would have in this town, I would not be able to cultivate a community that would make me feel as at home as I felt in Grand Rapids. Although I made friends with people in the department, I was feeling very lonely and was even bordering depression for my first quarter. To make up for this, rather in actuality to deny myself any understanding of these feelings, I drowned myself in work.

In my own defense, I really didn't know what to expect as far as the workload was concerned for my first year here. I also don't think I was the only one. There were many times when I would walk into the grad student office and the stress was so high I could feel it. It was easy for us to play the comparison game, "How far did you get on such and such assignment?" "I've got a couple pages written." "Oh, okay. I have five pages done so far..." You know, that sort of thing does not help a person deal with stress, really. It only cultivates such feelings, causing one to freak out and spend an unnecessary amount of time on particular papers, projects, etc. Similarly, and this is something I've recently realized, worrying and freaking out about the amount of work one has as a grad student does nothing to alleviate the situation, it's just another form of procrastination and makes you and others feel bad. But I digress.

I was on the same boat as the other grads, stressed-out, worried and emersing myself in any work that came my way. In doing this I lost touch with myself. I questioned who I was, why I even bothered with grad school, if I was really cut out to do this academic stuff and why I was in Athens. It was a rough time.

Returning to Grand Rapids for winter break helped to ground me and my trip to Nicaragua was eye-opening. Many of you remember the trials and tribulations that I faced and shared via blog, I'm sure. Being around those that I had come to call "family" in GR helped me to realize what I need to be healthy, to be grounded, to be sane. I don't need stuff, things or money, no. I need community. I need the love and support of the people around me.

This is an interesting concept to me, especially since I've been diving into bell hooks' recent publication, Belonging: A Culture of Place (I highly recommend it), which deals with topics such as mountain top removal, topophillia, ecology, environmental sustainability, local organic food production and spirituality, as well as the politics of race, gender and class. In addition to all of these issues, hooks also explores her connection with the place of her upbringing. This caused me to reflect on my own childhood.

It makes sense to me now, why I crave community so badly. I recall growing up in an environment that was often characterized by emotional and physical drought. Not that I was never shown love, that's not the case at all, my family loved me very much. Rather, my family was often busy either working to make ends meet or continuing their education to try to get better pay to support us (the children). I was often left alone. However, when there was an extended weekend or time for vacation it was like a monsoon of connectivity occurred. There were many occasions when our house was full of guests either for a holiday or simply a weekend cookout. Some days it was just a gathering after church to enjoy barbacoa fresh from the butcher.

These gatherings were not limited to family but also neighbors and friends. When these events happened there was an obvious atmosphere of happiness. I could feel an outpouring of love and acceptance from those who attended. I was so young then, I didn't understand what the adults were talking about, I didn't need to understand though. What I witnessed stayed with me into adulthood. The community that my mother and father created for themselves in Pontiac was their web of support. They were the people that my family depended upon and there was a palpable sense of love and respect between my parents and their extended family.

I long for those days to return.

Looking back to when I first began to create my own community in Grand Rapids, I held art parties and potlucks with people that I had met through work (then I worked as a waitress at a Mexican restaurant and a barrista in a coffee shop). These people came from all walks of life and exposed me to new ideas, music, food... so much! This exposure enriched my life. Though at the time I had been extremely busy, working two jobs and going to school full time, I made time to gather with these people so that I could feel that connection to something other than the work that seemed so close to consuming my life. These people were those that I considered to be my extended family, people with whom I shared a mutul support, respect and love.

It took me a couple of years before I was able to cultivate this community in Grand Rapids. I realize now it was because I was not aware that this is what I needed to keep myself grounded. The time it took to find these wonderful people however, is what made me fear for the time I would spend here in Athens. I assumed that I would not create a new community until I was nearly finished with graduate school. Boy was I wrong!

As I said before, it was returning to Grand Rapids for winter break and my trip to Nicaragua that snapped me out of my funk. So, upon returning to Athens I recognized that I needed to make some changes in my life. I needed to re-establish that work-life balance and to create the community that I so deeply longed for in Athens.

I'm happy to say that I feel more at home in Athens now than I ever have before. My friends are not limited to the department but are quite diverse, ranging from townies to professors. Attending potlucks, cookouts and holding potlucks/cookouts of my own has helped me to expand my circle of friends. Also, some of the classes that I have taken in women and gender studies has helped me meet some wonderful and amazing people.

By visiting the farmer's market on a regular basis I have come to know some farmers by name. More often than not, while shopping for fresh, local produce, I run into people that I know and have joyful conversations beneath a beautiful blue sky. I have also come to know the owners and staff of one of my favorite restaurants as well as a couple of local bars.

On another note, I have learned to recognize when I've been working too much and have learned to take time for myself. I'm so thankful that Athens is located in the foothills of Appalachia. Hiking, swimming, canoeing are all accessible options for a much needed time-out. Although it's nice to surround myself by friends it's also so necessary for me to have time alone, to recharge. This is always best accomplished, for me, by getting out into nature.

Evidently, I really enjoy life here in Athens. I love my friends and my home (if you haven't seen the photos, you should check them out). It's really beautiful out here. There really isn't much more a girl could ask for.

I'm often asked what I plan to do when I graduate from grad school. Honestly, I don't know and I don't care to think that far ahead because I'm enjoying life right now. If it came down to it though, I know I would be happy staying in Athens. I do know, however, that I don't anticipate continuing on for my PhD. Mostly because I don't think academia is where I want to be and that's okay.

This has been a great year of growth for me. I'm truly blessed. Thanks to everyone who has helped to make this town my home. You are all very wonderful people and I'm happy to have you in my life.

Peace.

The adventure of life is to learn.
The goal of life is to grow.
The nature of life is to change.
The challenge of life is to overcome.
The essence of life is to care.
The secret of life is to dare.
The beauty of life is to give.
The joy of life is to love!
~William Arthur Ward
P.S. A practical update on my status as a grad student will follow shortly.

Exploration, Rationalization, Realization

Let me preface this blog by saying I can probably rationalize any situation you put before me- it's my gift and my curse. Although I understand the processes behind situations, this does not prevent me from being overwhelmed by them. This blog has morphed over the last few days from an exploration of mourning to highly emotional thought-processes, back to self-awareness and spiritual dwelling.

Being that it has been a few days coming, this is long and perhaps confusing because I am vague on details. Still, it is a window into me and if you're willing to take a moment to peer inside then thank you for sharing this with me.

Recap

So these last two weeks -please pardon the cliche- have been a complete roller coaster of emotions for me. Some moments I'm fine. At other times I am complete mess of tears, unable to stop and unsure as to why I'm really crying. Some days the world is great and I understand my place and purpose, other days I just want to step off of this wheel because I'm too lost to keep going. It is the human experience. As strong and level headed as I may wish to be, hope to present on the exterior, I am only human.

I don't know if I've ever truly experienced mourning to such a degree before in my life. Or if I have, I did not recognize my feelings to be mournful. Joana put it best when she wrote to me:

"It's weird how sometimes the only thing that seems to lessen heartbreak is blame or anger.. that little piece of something to hold onto. and when you don't have that.. shit. damnit - now what? just cry until your eyeballs feel like they're floating around in their sockets and out onto your cheeks??!? ... it is mourning in its most real sense. there is no logic or control or talking yourself out of it. it's part of the process."

This is exactly how I feel when these fits of sadness come on. I have had no label to put on it really. In past incidents I've been angry over the wrong that had been done to me and I could simply focus all of my energy in that direction and eventually I got over it. In this case I've had none of that to hold on to. Despite being able to rationalize the situation, I was still feeling sad, vulnerable and yes, occasionally unloved/able. I couldn't explain it away.

It took the persuasion of one of my committee members, a professor I was having a meeting with, to convince me that I needed to take a day off and mourn- and that it was okay! Obviously, I heeded her advice and took a day to myself. It was well deserved and I felt ten times better afterward.

So I can say that I understand and accept the situation as it is. I have control over myself, my actions and my thoughts in this, and nothing else. It takes two to tango, so to speak, if one of us cannot handle the long distance thing then we can't force it to work. That doesn't change how much we care about each other, or the great times we've had, or what we've been able to learn from each other. I understand why it is what it is. Concomitantly, just because I can rationalize this and see it from all sides does not discount my feelings, it does not make them invalid or unnecessary.

A tangent on the social constructions of love and happiness

I am surrounded by love. There are so many people in my life that have been kind enough to share this with me and I am so blessed to have them in my life.

It's difficult sometimes, though, because our society has placed so much value on romantic relationships, life-partners, marriage, family- all of these things outside the realm of just friendship (which I would argue can be way more influential than family at times) - many people weigh their happiness and success in life according to their experience with these social behaviors. In one of my fits of sadness, I really let my guard down and allowed my ego to creep up.

Based on the social constructions of love and relationships, thoughts ran through my mind: What did I do wrong? Am I ever going to find that special someone? Will I ever find that someone to share affection, appreciation, allowing, attention and acceptance? How could I possibly expect to meet anyone while I'm so involved with school? Does that mean that if I continue on for my PhD that I will be lonely throughout my career in academia? If I meet someone after I graduate with my PhD, will my mom be around if I choose to have a family?

A slight aside here. I wasn't thinking about any of these things while being in this last relationship or even beforehand for that matter. Everything was glorious and I was perfectly happy with the way things were, precariousness and all. There was no need to dwell on any of this. It was when it ended that my ego decided to step in and bring its faithful friend fear along with it.

Some of these thoughts are just silly for me to be thinking about- but apparently natural for anyone facing fears of abandonment and rejection. I've never been the kind of person to believe there is just one person out there for everyone. I know that love is not restricted to one person or to simply being romantic. I believe wholeheartedly in the idea that people come in and out of our lives for a reason and a certain amount of time, for me, it takes a lot (you must have done something really bad to me) for me to stop loving any of these people. This is inclusive of friends. I've also never really been the kind of person to believe in marriage; it seems like a performance that one makes for the sake of their family, friends and ego that wraps love up in prada and cocktail shrimp for all to gawk at. Marriage is so consumptive-based that it seems to lose the essence of what love is. I also recognize and respect that for some people it is not so much a performance as it is an expression of the commitment being made to their partner.

Seeing many of my friends, my peers, in committed relationships, getting married, having children really gets me thinking though: Am I really where I ought to be right now? I'm thankful that I can answer this with certainty and say "yes."

Oh what a tangent that was!

Lessons

As stated before, I believe that our paths cross for a certain period of time in order for us to learn a lesson from the other. I realize that I am being redundant because I've stated this before in other blogs but I will reiterate for my own sake. Being in this last relationship has been an eye-opener for me. I have come to learn so much about myself. About what I am capable of offering another in love and friendship. I have learned where I am willing to compromise myself and in what ways I am not. I have been able to face my fears of commitment and abandonment and therefore have been able to grow and blossom in ways I wouldn't have imagined before.

The momentary lapse of sanity mentioned above was just that. I am so happy with where I am in life right now. I am happy for my friends who have found that special someone and are creating their own families- that is awesome. It's simply not for me, not right now. I don't think I can iterate enough how amazing my friends are and how much I appreciate the love that we share. Without them I don't think I could come to my realization that while romantic love is nice and welcomed, I do not need it to be happy ( I use my instead of the because it is my truth). I am always connected to and surrounded by love, it's just a matter of recognizing it - just thinking about that is an awesome thing! (Thanks Charles!)

By the same token, that doesn't mean that I need to try to be happy when I'm feeling sad. Even though I can rationalize a situation and understanding that I am surrounded by love, I do not have try to rationalize away my emotions. It's okay to mourn the loss of something. It is necessary to experience the emotions as they arise, recognizing what they are and letting them run their course. Like a river that cuts through the mountainside this outpouring of emotion can clear the way for new beginnings.

I find it interesting that as we leave a relationship we hold the other up, painting them to be something they never claimed to be. In my case, I created an illusion of what was, could have been, what I believed to be inherently true. I was devastated when our relationship ended. I was then deeply disappointed when I discovered another truth. As the Dalai Lama would argue, however, nothing inherently exists. It is circumstances that create meanings, a kind of dependent-arising if you will. Disappointment is a kind of loss, the loss of what we had hoped something was or could be. At the bottom is the loss of an illusion to which we were clinging or on which we relied. It has taken me some time to understand the circumstantial meanings of all of this. It has been an exercise, of putting together the pieces of the puzzle but now it all makes sense. So much so that it makes me laugh now. Thank you for freeing me from yet another one of my illusions.

What a journey this has been! Thank you so much to those of you who have shown me love and support throughout all of this!

Peace,
Mari

Seeing With New Eyes

Every day is a journey through this thing called life. Every journey is a struggle. Every struggle is a lesson and a blessing in disguise. The choices we make affect us profoundly. The way in which we respond to a struggle is our choice and ours to make alone.

It's interesting, I began to write this blog yesterday and before getting beyond that paragraph I received a message from my roommate: "You got a letter today." It was the letter I had been secretly hoping to receive, weeks of only hearsay from friends and family sustained my thoughts somewhat but deep down I hoped I would also receive some form of contact from him. I could hardly contain myself, sheer joy swept over my body and I told my roommate that I would be home soon. Instead he volunteered to bring the letter to the office for me.

They say, there is a time and a place for everything. At this particular time, in my office, I was awash with every emotion one could experience and I had no other way of dealing with it other than letting each one come. A friend told me to calm down but I couldn't contain myself and I feel that if I had it would be much harder, so I let myself feel. Then I let it pass. It took some time, a trip to the gym, some rearranging of furniture in my house, a phone call from a dear friend... I'm still feeling waves of emotion throughout the day and I can do nothing else but let it be. It is what it is. I don't believe I could be this strong without the help of my friends, my extended family.

My trip to Grand Rapids this last weekend was needed. I can't help but believe that the universe was preparing me for this. All weekend I was surrounded by love and acceptance from strong, amazing women. My cup overflowed. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. All of you wonderful people who were able to take a moment out of your day to spend some time with me. I am so blessed to have you in my life. Even if we only saw each other for a moment, it was needed and that love you gave me is so appreciated.

In times like these it's easy to sink into a hole, shutting everyone out to analyze everything that must have gone wrong. I haven't done that and I wont do it. This is the choice that I have made. I will not let this struggle get the best of me but I will meet it with my best. My life is full of blessings and I have been provided with all that I need to get through this.

I'm happy to have experienced this. I'm sad that it must end but I knew someday it would... just didn't expect it to be so soon. I'm not bitter. How could I be? It is what it is. My experience on this journey has been a great one. I've learned so much about myself, what I'm capable of, the joy that can be shared and the connections that can be made.

People come into our lives and our paths cross for some time. During that time we learn what we can from each other. Sometimes we don't recognize what it is that someone is teaching us until years after our paths diverge. Eventually we do have to walk on separate paths and that is okay. I'm thankful that ours converged for the time that it did and that I am able to appreciate this lesson now and will be able to take that with me as I continue my journey.

Again, thank you so much to everyone who has shown me love and continues to share that with me. You are amazing and I'm blessed to have you in my life.

Spring is in the air...

The sun... she and I have a pretty good relationship I think. For whatever reason, perhaps it has something to do with Vitamin D, whenever she's out, I feel good. Really good. As I made my way to Morton Hall this morning, where I babysi... er, TA for Advanced Remote Sensing, I felt the sun against my skin and felt at peace. The birds sang joyfully and, if I may note, much louder than usual. All was right in the world. This is a welcomed change.

Lately I've been feeling incredible stress. With the end of the quarter drawing near and final research papers piling up, it's easy to let academia get the better of me. Yet to add to this duress I have been dealing with the "loss" of my partner. Maybe that's too strong of a word. We haven't broken up, nor are we experiencing any real turmoil in our relationship. He has gone away to Ranger School, a great honor but concomitantly, an intense combat leadership course. He will be away for anywhere between two to six months, depending on whether or not he gets recycled. So aside from the fact that we wont be able to speak, write or see each other during that time, he will be experiencing some extreme physical strain (in addition to sleep deprivation and high-stress situations... among other things). Which, reading up on some of the things he will be going through, makes me a little scared for him.

Today, though, I realized (as per usual) that worrying really does not change the situation. He was elected to join the Rangers (a great honor!) and he chose to go. This is a great opportunity for him! Also, he is a natural born leader and is more than able to meet any physical challenges that come his way. I know that although it's going to be very tough, he is going to do so very well while he's in Ranger School. I'm really proud of him!

Another realization through all of this: maybe I am cut out to be in a relationship. We're pretty solid, I haven't experienced such a reciprocal relationship before and am so happy with where we're at. I don't know if I believe the whole, "there's only one person out there for me" bruhaha, but for now, I'm very happy with who I am with. There is something to be said for sharing love, acceptance, trust and appreciation with someone else. It's beautiful, it's comforting, it's grounding.

There's no telling what the future brings and since he is in the Army ours is a precarious situation. Regardless, life is all about appreciating what you have now and enjoying the present moment. Worrying about the future or what has happened in the past does nothing to improve a situation. I am so thankful for being blessed with such a wonderful person in my life, and for all of my loving and supportive friends and family.

It is a beautiful day.

Shut up you crazy hippie!

People who know me, particularly those who knew me in Grand Rapids between the years of 2004 and 2006 remember me at my peak hippie days. I was doing my best to lead a healthy, environmentally friendly lifestyle. At the time I was eating organic vegetarian foods, walking or riding my bike to where I needed to be, buying all natural or recycled products, buying locally, treating sickness holistically, protesting the war and Bush when he visited GR, going to the occasional drum circle, promoting Marxist ideology and I was even seen giving panhandlers whatever food I happened to have in my knapsack (even though they asked for spare change). I wore colorful, full-length skirts and engaged in existential discussions with my friends as we passed the peace pipe. If given the opportunity, I gave my two cents and then some on how I thought animals and the environment ought to be treated (I'm pretty sure people stopped listening to me at that point). The only thing missing was patchouli... that came long after those formative years.

Today, as I sat in my Gender, Environment and Development course, I caught myself glaring at a girl (from behind someone else) as she commented on something the professor had said. As she spoke, "If we go and bulldoze an old tree to build a house, we need to go and plant another... that's not too much to ask. We have a responsibility to protect and conserve the environment...," I thought to myself (and this is what really shocked me), "Shut up you crazy hippie."

Part of me was angry because the discussion had derailed onto a tangent, it was getting late and I was tired. The other part of me presented arguments in my mind to many of her naive proclamations. Much of what she said (and I did not capture any real detail, obviously, she went on for days with that propaganda...) was similar to the beliefs I once upheld. After years of reading academic journals, traveling and witnessing the sociopolitical-ecological-economic efforts/injustices that occur in the world however, I can no longer buy into it.

It would take me far too long to explain myself fully in this text but I will give a few examples of what I mean.

Conservationists have stressed the importance of setting aside land to preserve habitats for endangered species (plants, animals, etc.).
While I do feel this is a worthy cause (we should be concerned with the preservation of nature); who does this benefit? Oftentimes these preserved lands become parks or nature reserves which are open to the "public". This population being privileged upper class people who have disposable time and the financial means of traveling to these places. Concomitantly, as these lands are being "set aside" for protection, indigenous people become displaced. They are forced from their lands, left with little to no access to the natural resources that have served their survival for generations. In some cases these displaced people no longer have access to these preservation sites and cannot enjoy the aesthetics of "natural beauty" as tourists can (i.e. admission fees as exclusionary). Also, as this bit of land is chosen, perhaps to be preserved on the basis of biodiversity and as suitable habitat for certain species, other species are left unprotected and vulnerable to resource extraction/exploitation.

You want to save the elephants because you would like to go on a safari and see them in their natural habitat? What if those elephants are destroying a subsistence farmer's valuable crops or kills their family members? An elephant who has killed a human is likely to kill again. Would you rather a village go hungry or lose community members just so you can have the privilege of seeing an elephant?

Look. I'm not saying that I hate elephants or the environment, that isn't the point of this essay. Those were merely examples. I am trying to note, however, the importance of thinking analytically, critically and contextually when looking at how the world works. That's something that my time in academe has taught me and it's been pretty helpful. By the same token, I've learned not to draw conclusions and to keep an open mind to the views of others because there's always room to learn more.

For the record, I still am a hippie to a certain extent (for many of the same reasons listed in the intro, just under different contexts, perhaps to be explored later). The environment is still important to me, so is local business and organic stuff when I can afford it but my world view has changed and will likely continue to change as I experience more of life. One can only hope.

Paradigm Shifts 2008-2009

There is no doubt in my mind that the only constant in life is change. That being said, I have amazed myself at the amount of growth and change I've been through over the course of the last year. I realize that I'm a little late for a new years resolution and '08 assessment, but that isn't quite what this is all about. Well, maybe a little.


Some of you have seen me trotting about town in high heels, knee-high socks and skirts (well, that isn't too odd for me), sporting candy-apple red painted nails (that are actually long to boot!) and I'm sure that one of the reactions going through your mind has been "WTF?" There's been rumors going around that I'm finally tied down (and quite happily) as well as that I've joined an intramural volleyball team. They are not unfounded thoughts; they are true. I can't explain myself entirely, at least not right now, but maybe an analysis of this last year can shed light on things.

2008 was a great year that was filled with trials and tribulations, the cementing of new friendships as well as drifting apart from others, a much anticipated graduation, work, world travels (Southeast Asia, Central America [twice], across the U.S....), admission into graduate school, the loss of family members, and the ever daunting task of moving out of the state. Somewhere amidst all of this busyness I was able to ground myself as I discovered who I am, what I am capable of and how I deserve to be treated. I became rooted in Spiritual Eco-Feminist ideas and found strength as well as new perspectives on life. Many saw me as the same free flowing hippie liberal that I had lost sight of years ago: wearing the bright colors that I attribute to Mexico, speaking on Buddhist philosophy and energy cycling, hiking, swimming daily, being as close to nature as possible, holding Solstice gatherings, going to FSC, among other things.

I've let some people go from my life without putting up much of a fight. Being who I am, I've always enjoyed keeping exes as friends to maintain the peace (and the occasional open relationship) but recently these (ex)lovers have slipped through my fingers. One in particular, whom I defended numerous times and cared for dearly, told his last lie to me and helped me to realize that I deserve a better friend than that. Others, surely I dropped the ball with them and for reasons they will not divulge have decided it best not to speak with me. This is all okay.

There is someone in my life now who has shown me what it means 'to love'. It blows my mind when I think about it. I enjoyed the ethical slut lifestyle for some time, there's no denying that. Now that I'm in this relationship, however, it surprises me how satisfying and real it feels. Mutual respect, acceptance, affection, ample communication, appreciation, understanding and of course history has made this relationship successful thus far. Reciprocity is a great thing. Although the "relationship status" is new, this friendship has endured and evolved over the years to become what it is now. I am so blessed to have Matt in my life.

I consider myself to be a feminist. I'm a non-make up wearing, hiking gear toting, ass-kicking, name-taking, solo-world traveling, equal pay/equal rights kinda gal. He likes high heels and painted nails- you know, the type of thing I've been "anti" for some time, feminine stuff. I'm not gonna lie, I wore/did these things for him... and I kind of liked it. So now I'm a non-make up, high heels, knee highs, skirt and painted nails wearing, ass-kicking, name-taking, solo-world traveling equal pay/equal rights kinda gal. Is that so wrong? I think not. If there's one thing I'm learning from my Women Studies graduate courses is that everything is contextual. Just because I enjoy being feminine (I have a particular fondness of wearing semi-professional clothing) from time to time does not change the fact that I'm a feminist.

On that note, my thesis topic is shaping up rather well. I'm focusing more heavily on Gender and Development with specific regard to women's collective action, what is it, to what extent are development organizations incorporating these grassroots movements and why. That isn't really my thesis but it's the general idea. My advisor, Risa Whitson, is a wonderful person and I'm really fortunate to have her as a mentor. She and a couple of others are convincing me that I ought to be looking into PhD programs. I never thought I'd be that person but I am seriously considering such a prospect in my future. With another year of grad school ahead of me I need to think about what I want to do with myself and the protective cocoon of academe sounds awfully tempting in a time of economic turmoil. We'll see what happens with all of that, it would be neat though, no? Dr. Marina Islas, I like the ring of that.

This girl here is a pretty healthy individual, especially lately. Sure, I quit the vegetarian thing in '07 but I've been pretty keen on keeping a healthy diet and exercising, or at least I was good on exerce until Fall of last year. Not that I became grotesque or out of shape, I was still riding my bike to and from class, around town and also going hiking at the time. Still, I recognized that I have a great new exercise facility at my disposal free of charge here on campus and dammit I need to make use of it. So I'm back into a nice routine of going to the gym every other day. I've also joined an intramural volleyball team with my colleagues in my department. We begin on Friday and I'm really looking forward to it, even though I haven't played volleyball since high school gym class (shit that was ten years ago).

A lot of change has taken place and it continues on a daily basis in my life. That's the beauty of it all, I think. An open mind leaves room for improvement. I certainly hope the changes I've made and will make in the future improve my life and affects those around me postively. There is no resolution to be made this year. I know that whatever struggles I encounter will make me stronger and all the joys will be greatly appreciated.

If only I could work on the procrastination thing... oh well, one day at a time.

Cheers!

[[Wine of the evening: Orleans Hill organic 2007 Lodi Syrah]]