When I grow up... AKA Affirmation ROCKS

I feel like a great amount of weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

I feel this way for a couple/few reasons really... and I'll just warn you now that this post will likely be long, convoluted and will be full of emotion and touchy-feely, squishy things.

So most of you know that earlier this year I was invited by my advisor (also my boss this quarter- I'm her TA) to guest lecture during a class session in her Human Geography course (my TA assignment). My initial reaction was fraught with anxiety and fear but after rationalizing the whole situation (as I tend to do) I realized that guest-lecturing would be an incredible opportunity and great practice for me. Naturally, I agreed. Risa gave me my choice of lectures and material stating that if she enjoyed my lecture enough she may want to incorporate it into her course next year. What an honor! At the same time- the pressure was on.

The following passages are long, you could probably skip all of it, read my Discussion section and still understand what has happened.

The Process:

I wanted this lecture to be good. I decided on the Cultural Geography section of the course and thought that tackling issues of identity would be a breeze. So a few weeks before I was scheduled to lecture I came up with a slideshow/outline to present to Risa. It was based mostly on my brief obsession with the Guido-culture/identity phenomenon that occurred alongside the reality tv show the Jersey Shore...

Risa rejected this idea, with good reason. I was unfocused and thinking about concepts that were too abstract for undergraduates to comprehend at their level (I'm heavy into theory). Even with my examples from pop culture it was too much for them to grasp. The truth of the matter was that in this first attempt I tried to cover too much in a short amount of time.

Fair enough, back to the drawing board.

A few days later I brought a new outline to Risa and she loved it. Not only had my ideas become more focused but the concepts I wished to address would be easy for the undergrads to understand. Score!

With only two weeks before my lecture, I had plenty of time to gather my thoughts and create notes and of course to practice. Or I could just push it all aside until it was time to give the presentation. Which do you suppose I did?

I like to think that I procrastinate for practical reasons. Typically, I put off doing things based on their importance and the time-line, taking into account other work that has to be done. Not that this lecture was not important because it most definitely was. It's just that I had other matters to attend to at the time.

So as the weeks became days I began to think about the lecture again and tried to think up good notes to use. Similarly, I realized after looking at my slides again, that I had a bit more work to do in order to beef up my presentation. Looking for good pictures and graphs is VERY important... and takes up a LOT of time. Before I knew it the majority of my time had been spent looking up demographic and statistical information and not enough time was spent practicing.

My stomach was one big knot every day that I worked on my lecture and every day that passed without me actually practicing.

I was going to bomb this. I just knew it. Risa would be disappointed in me, I would hate teaching and my plans to get my PhD would be blown out of the water (why get a PhD if you don't want to teach?).

That Fateful Day:

Tuesday, the 23rd of February 2010

The morning had been spent putting the finishing touches on my slides, having a meeting with my case worker (grad students get food stamps :-D ) and FINALLY practicing my lecture. I was a mess. Grant it, I made sure to get plenty of sleep and ate a filling breakfast but I was a giant ball of nerves. Shortly before class began I sat down in Risa's office and expressed this to her and she gave me some of the best wisdom a freshman lecturer could ever receive.

To paraphrase:

You have good reason to be nervous, you're being thrown into this earlier than most people. Even before I started teaching as a PhD grad student I had experience holding discussion groups of 25 or more students at the Master's level. But don't worry Marina. Speaking in front of undergrads is way easier than speaking in front of professionals or your peers. There's nothing to be afraid of, you know more about this subject than they do so they can't challenge any of your ideas. Plus, you're a great public speaker! And if it makes you feel any better you can think of it this way; it's the day after the exam, there will be fewer people in class and most of them will be busy texting and wont pay any attention any way.

I have the best advisor in the world.

I mulled over these pearls of wisdom as she and I walked to class. We talked about whatever silly things we usually talk about as we walk together and my mind was no longer obsessed (well not entirely) on the task ahead of me.

Risa took me on a different (new to me!) route to class - the "secret" back entrance to Bentley Hall. Then we entered the classroom. My stomach knotted up again as I uploaded my ppt slideshow. When it came time to start Risa introduced me as her guest lecturer to the class and of course had to add the one thing I asked her not to say, "Marina asked me not to say this because she said she'd blush but I'm going to say it anyway. I want you folks to go easy on her, this is her first time lecturing so she needs your support!"

You guessed it, I blushed.

Thanks Risa... and so I began.

I never expected to feel the relief that occurred as soon as I started to speak. It was as though flood gates had been opened and the pressure which had been building for weeks was finally relieved. I felt so at ease as I asked the students questions and engaged them in discussion over my topic. And just so you all know the purpose of my lecture was to get the students thinking about how different identity groups use spaces differently, the differing levels of mobility that certain groups experience and also how different spaces can construct identity.

The truth. I LOVED being in front of the students and trying to engage them in discussion. I had fun. The whole lecture went so smoothly and I felt great. I think maybe the students enjoyed it as well. Some were actually listening and quite a few participated.

Afterwards:

There was applause which I'm pretty sure was initiated by Risa. She came up to me and commented that I didn't look at all nervous and that I had actually surprised her with my teaching style. She didn't know what to expect because I've given formal presentations in the past reading directly from a script. This time I had no script and went solely on instinct and held knowledge. She told me I looked totally comfortable in front of the classroom and did a great job.

Did I mention I have the best advisor in the world?

A couple students stayed after class and talked about some of the ideas I presented in the lecture. They are the students who normally sit up front and stay after to talk a bit with Risa and I about material on a normal basis but it felt nice to know they were listening.

Thoughts on the not-too-distant future AKA Discussion:

I'm really glad I had the opportunity to try lecturing before I went on to get my PhD. By standing in front of those students and putting on a show I was able to realize that I REALLY DO enjoy teaching. The experience was totally worth all of the anxiety because I am now certain of the path I'm headed in for my future career.

I had already decided to stay in Athens another year because I want to pursue my PhD. Part of my rationale for staying in Athens is that I was a little late in deciding that I wanted to continue my education. By taking this year off from academia I would have time to think things through, gain some experience in the social service sector and decide whether or not I wanted to pursue work in that arena. Similarly, I realized that if I were to move elsewhere (i.e. Grand Rapids) to work as an adjunct faculty member at a community college for a period I would have to pick up and move again after a year in order to attend the college I choose. This seems like a lot of unnecessary moving.

By staying in Athens I have numerous job opportunities/possibilities, many of which are with Americorps. If I work with Americorps I will not only be able to work in the social service sector but I will also be able to pay off part of my student loans and remain on food stamps. If I don't get a job with Americorps (and the stars align and the Dean gives the okay) I may have an opportunity to work as an adjunct faculty member for the Women's and Gender Studies or Geography departments here at OU teaching some of the introductory courses (like Intro to Feminisms or Human Geography). Grant it, I have now only given one lecture but after being TA for Human Geog for a year, sitting in on every class and having slides, notes and example exams I'm pretty sure I could handle the task. ALSO I'll have more time to volunteer and I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to volunteer for Passionworks Studio, staying in Athens will give me the chance to do so. And, of course, it will be nice to be in Athens while Joe finishes his Master's degree- you know, we kind of like each other. PLUS I get to live with Melissa for another year and she is my favorite. :)

So, while I had already decided on staying in Athens, this lecture really drove home the fact that this path is the correct one for me. I feel more confident than ever with my decision to continue in academe. I realize that I will be facing great challenges in terms of completing my degree and gaining an academic appointment but I am certain that I am capable of meeting those challenges. I know that teaching, being a professor is what I'm called to do. And I'm feeling pretty sure that I want to continue within the discipline of Geography while pursuing Feminist, Mexican-American research. Of course, research interests are fluid and ever changing. At the very least, I'm sticking to my women's and gender studies interests.

Once this Master's thesis is written I plan to become more active in the community here in Athens. Although I decided to continue my education to become a professor, I haven't lost touch with my drive to help others and to become active in the social service sector. As I stated before, I hope to become involved with Passionworks Studio and perhaps My Sister's Place (local women's shelter) if I am able. Also, I intend to become more involved with the LGBTQ and Feminist activist circles. I gotta stick to my radical roots, y'know? :)

Closing Remarks:

I'm really thankful for having such a supportive and encouraging advisor as well as friends and family. If it weren't for these great people in my life I wouldn't be where I am or headed on the path that I'm walking. I'm really blessed. Thanks everyone!

Something completely different...

The evening began as a call to arms.

Rather, a call for open arms.

There was a time that I felt threatened by most other women. Girls. I was a girl then. I never would have dreamed that these rivals would someday turn out to be my greatest blessings.

But that's a different story entirely.

I am reminded this evening, by my dear friends, how important it is to have a network of strong women in my life. For support, encouragement, acceptance, love... you know, that stuff that as humans we all need. This reminder has prompted me to write tonight.

After an evening filled with laughter an acceptance I came home feeling good. Over the last few days I have been feeling so much lighter and at ease. I'm truly thankful to the women, and men, in my life who have helped to make this so. Holiday drama aside, I've been doing quite a bit of thinking lately. As my thesis progresses and my graduation date draws near many have posed the same question to me: What will you do when you have your Master's degree?

For the longest time I had a laundry list of possibilities but never gave deep consideration to any of them. What can I say, I'm indecisive. Also, I always have felt that when the time came I would know in my heart of hearts that __________ was what I wanted to do. It just hasn't been that time yet.

Call me sentimental.

Now, I'm not saying I've simply sat back and have left everything up to fate. I still believe in my own ability to have a say in what my fate shall be. I've been perusing the internet in search of jobs in social justice work in the U.S. and internationally, as a professor at a community college, positions with the UN and elsewhere... yet nothing has really struck me.

Earlier I came across this quote by Rumi and decided to share it via our favorite social networking site:

Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love.

As I experienced the bonding and support shared by my cohorts this evening I remembered.

I remembered that feeling I had when I came home from Nicaragua. That desire to do something good in the world. The experience I had while volunteering was glorious and it made me see the importance of participating in social action.

When I returned home I found a letter in my inbox. It was a general cross-posting to a Feminist Geography listserve that I belong to- it was a solicitation (if you will) for a relatively new PhD program in Pennsylvania. The focus of this particular program is Globalization, Sustainability and Social Justice. Hm.. you have my interest.

After reading up on the description of the program I was still intrigued and looked through the list of Faculty.

As I read through the interests of one professor: ...feminist and critical race studies, social action research, community organizing by the poor, social change and the role of academics play... My heart kind of did something. I'd liken it to a tug.

Maybe this is the peanut butter talking... I want to go on for my PhD.

It sounds crazy, I know.

This program may not be the one for me but it has me thinking. I need to look into this further. Maybe I'm too late in the game or maybe this is the right time. Either way, I'm going to pursue this for now because it feels right.

I'm hoping to have another meeting with my advisor in the next week and ojala que she will have good advice for me. Risa has been so helpful and encouraging this last year. I think that if she hadn't been around I wouldn't have had as great of an experience with this academic process as I have had so far.

I'm not going to lie, this has me scared. Excited. But ultimately scared. As E put it, "The possibility of dreams can be terrifying." She's more spot on than I care to admit.

I end this evening with arms outstretched.

It's been a blessed day (and night).

Entre Fey, Politico y Amor

Monday: Managua- Fernando Cardenal

Sunday, July 5th, had been spent traveling back to Ciudad Sandino and resting. Once Monday arrived we were to be back at the grindstone, however we started off the day rather differently. We began the morning with a special treat, a trip to Managua to see Father Fernando Cardenal speak about his experience with promoting the literacy campaign in the 80s.

Father Cardenal is among the most recognized names in Nicaragua. Not only for his work on the literacy campaign but for his work with the FSLN. He was the one FSLN member elected to represent the Nicaraguan people in denouncing Somoza as a dictator, torturer and murderer to the U.S. Congress.

He worked diligently to get the literacy campaign in the mountains off the ground. Although this occurred after the Revolution, there was still a great amount of fear in his heart because anti-revolutionaries were fervently against this campaign and were willing to demonstrate this. The first casuality was a young woman who counterrevolutionaries had stopped as she made her way up the mountain to begin literacy classes. Her only crime was wanting to teach people to read and write. Yet people were willing to kill over politics, to see the FSLN fail. They threatened to kill anyone who attempted to go up the mountain.

This scare tactic certainly had an affect on Father Cardenal. He thought they would have the same affect on the people. However, when he took a helicopter to where the classes were held, he was met by 39 young women who chanted, "Not by bullets or by hits will they take us from the literacy crusade." Their strength, courage and valor was felt by Nicaraguans everywhere. This slogan and another, "Our bunch will not be completely libereated until everyone can read." were repeated throughout the mountainsides and the literacy campaign continued.

The counterrevolutionaries managed to kill seven brigade members, threatening to masacre everyone if they continued their lessons. However, they soon realized that their threats were useless. Over 40,000 people were teaching in the cities and more than 60,000 young people were teaching in the rural mountains. The effects of this literacy campaign were profound in not only its original intent but also in the leadership skills that young people realized in themselves.
Father Cardenal's story is touching and I wish I had time to share what he told us of his first days in Jesuit school but I do not. He has written a book, "Priesthood in the Revolution" which I would highly recommend checking out sometime. What he shared with us in this morning was more effective than anything that I have done in Nicaragua thus far. His conviction to devote his life to the liberation of the poor and for justice permeates his life and this includes his politics. While being a fervent supporter of the FSLN in the past, he also recognizes the corruption of Daniel Ortega that has taken place in the last two decades. Father Cardenal has resigned from the FSLN and has also publicly denounced Daniel Ortega, as he denounced the Somoza regime so long ago.

He left us with a few words of wisdom, which he has suggested for uniting the people of Nicaragua, and really, any place that is divided by politics.

"Dialogue and Love are necessary. Dialogue borne from love is the only thing that brings divided communities together."

"If I commit myself to love, love will bring the liberation of others. Faith brings me to love, love brings me to work for the well being and liberation of all citizens. Liberation will always involve politics."

Thinking on these things, I realize that I am headed on the right path. The world is full of suffering yet it is also full of glorious wonders. I come from a privileged life and am capable of traveling the world to experience other cultures. However I am also capable of doing so much more for others, as I am realizing during my time here in Nicaragua. I am more certain now than ever before that I am to help make the world a better place for others. While I have the ability to join NGOs in their works, I am also educated in the politics of development organizations and so I would like to think that I am more able to be critical of an organization that I wish to be a part of some day.

The world is full of suffering but I am full of love. I'm not sure where life will take me next but I am certain that when I finish my Master's Degree I will be working with an organization of some sort to help in bettering society, whether it's in Appalachia, Central America or elsewhere.

Vacation Time in Nicaragua!

For a Saturday night, Fourth of July, the evening was quiet. The waves crashed gently against the rocks along the shore and a dog could be heard barking off in the distance. The only light was that cast by the nearly full moon reflecting on the lake's surface. The group had been laying on the dock naming the clouds as they formed, coming down the leeward side of Volcan Maderas, "That one looks like a poodle," said one. "Look over there! A swan!" said another. Although the trade winds cast these imagined creatures across Lago Colibolca, the temporality of the shape cumulus clouds was of no great import to this tranquil group.

Their giggles carried in the otherwise silent night and she smiled as she approached. She had been in the dining area, conversing with a Nicaraguan artisan/nomad who was rather keen on philosophy. Feeling a high from the great dialogue she has shared with this youth she asks, "So are you all still up for a swim?" Indeed, all but one of the group are ready to go for a late night swim.

She folds her clothes neatly and sets them on the dock then dives into the ebony hued water, sending ripples of silver across the surface. As she swims out towards the abyss following the trail of moonlight and feeling at home in the water, she reflects on the beauty that surrounds her and the blessings in her life as well as on the recent events which attribute to these.

Rewind: Friday- La Isla Ometepe

The day began, unofficially, as the five JHC volunteers awoke to the sound of howler monkeys calling out to one another at four in the morning. The volume and intensity of their howls suggested that the monkeys were no more than a hundred meters or so away... but then I am no good at guessing distances, let's say they were pretty damn close.

I digress.

Much later, the group officially woke up, they were to meet with Martha, a volunteer for Project Bonafide, sometime after breakfast for a tour of their farm. A wicked thunderstorm blew out the electricity and subsequently the water the night before and so there would be no showers this morning. This is no problem as the ground is thick with mud and the trek from Finca Magdalena to Bonafide's land would be messy.

Martha and Kat soon arrived at our hostel to lead us to their plot of land. After a jaunt through the mud laden forest and cattle fields we soon arrived to their corner of the island and they began giving us a tour of their farm. Project Bonafide is somewhat of an experiment in permaculture on this island with their primary concern being food security. This group of volunteers is trying to figure out which varieties of agriculture (including subsistence, medicinal and commercial) can exist sustainably in this microclimate while maximizing the uses of these materials. They showed us everything from mangoes to bamboo and fixed us a delicious lunch prepared with food from their crops. They are truly ambitious in that they want to teach the locals how to cook with these foods and how to use the building materials they are growing. Project Bonafide hopes to one day have a community kitchen in town where they can teach children how to cook and eat healthy foods. Although they seem to have much work to do before they can accomplish this as one of the hardest things one can do is to try and change someone's eating habits. Currently they have a system set up where community members can trade items such as beans and rice for plants from their nursery. This group has taken on a lot. It seems idealistic at the start, however, with what they've done so far it would be interesting to see what they are able to do for the people of this land.

Saturday- Hacienda Merida

Following our tour Friday, we hopped a bus to Merida where we were to spend two more evenings.

I had been to Hacienda Merida on my last visit to La Isla Ometepe and had an enjoyable time. There was no doubt in my mind that this would be any different.

We woke up to have breakfast and discussed possible plans for the day. Some wanted to go hiking, all wanted to go kayaking and some wanted to go swimming. The day seemed to promise sunshine and mild weather, unlike the last couple of days which had been overcast and rainy, so I made up my mind to stay behind while the others went for a hike to see petroglyphs.

Following breakfast I headed out to the dock with my book. There was a man standing knee deep in the water fishing while his partner sat on the dock watching him. I settled myself onto the concrete and began to read. There were virtually no sounds other than the lapping of the water against the shore. Occasionally birds cried out in the distance and a dog mustered the energy to bark. After some time the couple left the area of the dock and I was the only one on the lake. Between chapters I would set my book down and watch the clouds as the tradewinds pushed them out into the distance then as I began to sweat I would jump into the lake to cool off. This would be one of the few times that I'd have any time alone and I savored every moment.

The group returned from their hike late in the afternoon. I had just finished my lunch and it was after 2:30pm. They were hungry and sweaty but we were all still determined to go kayaking after everyone had eaten.

Our destination was the swamps of el Rio Isidrio. The five of us skimmed the water in our kayaks, watching the Islanders as they played on the shore. Egrets and other waterfowl lined the reeds and watched us as we made our way towards the mouth of the river. We kayaked in near silence, hoping to see birds that we had never before encountered. Indeed, there were King Fishers, Eagles, Toucans, Sandpipers and unidentifiable birds galore! It was awe inspiring.

Nothing, however, can top our exit from the river.

It was growing late in the evening and the sun was quickly setting. As the sun set over the Volcan Concepcion, the moon was rising over Volcan Maderas. What a blessing! To our right was the sun and to our left the moon. The hues of the evening were warm and the sounds of the insects and birds ushered in the night as the sun disappeared behind the volcano. We did not need our headlamps for the moon was so bright it lit our way back to the hostel, shining directly over the dock where we were to port our kayaks.

We made it back in time for dinner. This was to be our last evening on the island, Fourth of July, and after making the most of our day, we certainly made the most of our night. The others went out to the dock to talk and swim while I stayed behind in the dining area, comparing the writings of Kahlil Gibran to the Bible with a Nicaraguan traveling artisan. I felt so blessed to be able to have this conversation with this young man. His thoughts on living a life of love and respect very much mirrored my own and were apropos after all that had happened in Nicaragua thus far.

Life is good.

One year down...

Because it's so much easier to procrastinate and write ten pages on something like my feelings and what I'm doing with my life rather than fifteen pages on Nicaragua, I'm going to post another update. :)

The last blog was obviously very psyche-centric. This one is much more visceral but equally narcissistic. Come on. It is my blog after all.

So for those of you who are just now tuning in or even those of you who have a vague idea of what's happening in my life right now, this post will hopefully shed some light on these things.

This first year in graduate school has been intense. I am thankful to say, however, that I am blessed to have been placed in a department full of supportive and helpful colleagues and professors. Also, the classes that I've taken have been particularly useful for helping me shape my theoretical and methodological approach to my thesis topic.

My advisor, especially, has been wonderful in providing me with the right amount of guidance, constructive criticism and push to keep me on track this year. My friend, the other day, made a comment about the relationship I have with my advisor, "That's just not normal." "What?" "You're not supposed to have so much fun with your advisor." He was referring to a conversation she and I were having in the office which consisted of about 60% laughter, 30% down-to-business talk and maybe 20% fashion comments. Usually, when I go to Risa's office to discuss my thesis or other matters, her own colleagues comment that we have way too much fun, based on the amount of laughter that they hear. Needless to say, whenever I leave her office I feel great, even when she tells me I need to rewrite an entire grant proposal 24 hours before it's due. It makes me sad to think that other people are not so fortunate to have this kind of relationship with their advisor. I'm really blessed.

Thanks to Risa and my litter-mate, Melissa (mi otra!), I was able to complete the thesis proposal process and received IRB (Institutional Review Board) approval for my research. My thesis proposal was successfully defended in the last week of May. The purpose of my research is to explore the ways in which women have participated in community-driven development and how this involvement has affected gender relations, with specifice regard to the Jubilee House Community in Ciudad Sandino, Nicaragua. If you aren't quite sure what that means and are itching to know more I can send you a copy of my thesis proposal and we can talk about it on the phone. Otherwise, I don't think I care to go into too much detail here.

Thanks to the help and cooperation of the Jubilee House Community I have arranged to volunteer in community-based development initiatives in Ciudad Sandino this summer. While in Ciudad Sandino I will be doing participant observations on a daily basis and I hope to conduct semi-structured interviews with members of the JHC, male and female, in order to answer my research questions. I'll be spending a total of six weeks in Nicaragua, starting June 21 until August 3 of this year. No worries! I won't be so transient like before, I'll be stationary in Ciudad Sandino for the majority of the time I spend in Nica. I found it necessary to apply for a few grants in order to conduct my field research; so far I've been declined by one organization and I haven't heard back from others. I'm paying my expenses out-of-pocket (until I hear back from a funder) and trusting that the Universe will take care of me (as it always does) when I return to Athens because I will once again be in a precarious financial situation.

I'm really excited to go abroad again. Although, it really hasn't sunk in that I'll be leaving the U.S. in a week. I still have so much to do to prepare. It also excites me to think that I'll actually be applying what I've learned in school to real life! Who'da thunk?!

Hmmm... what else?

When I return from Nicaragua in August I'll spend the rest of my summer here in Athens, hopefully working at a local restaurant to make ends meet. Then I only have one academic year left to finish working on my Master's Thesis. I'll certainly take more classes because I need a couple of credits to finish up my Women and Gender Studies Certificate.

I'm not sure what my graduate assistant appointment will be next year, they change every quarter, hopefully I'll be doing something fun.

For the first two quarters here at OU I worked with a team as a teaching assistant for an environmental geography course. That was pretty neat because I was able to help coordinate and lead fieldtrips for students so they could better understand the connections between geography and the environment. I also helped to coordinate a geography mini-conference that was held on campus in the fall. This last quarter I was a teaching assistant for a human geography course which was pretty nifty because I made up map quizzes and exams for the students and it wasn't very demanding. It really opened up my time slots to work more on my thesis proposal (which consumed my spring quarter).

It's pretty crazy to think that a year from now I will have defended my thesis and will be graduating with my degree in Geography. More to be excited about! Beyond that? That's neither here nor there. We'll see what life brings me, eh?

Well, I guess that's enough procrastination for now. If you have any questions, if I left something out, or what have you, feel free to ask!

Peace

Belonging: A Culture of Place (A Reflection on My First Year in Grad School)

It's been a while since I've had the time to write any sort of insightful reflection. This is in part due to the end of the quarter rush. We are now in our final week of the quarter; final exams, projects and assignments are due. I have a little bit of time at this moment and feel the need to write.

The intention of this particular blog is to look back on my first year in grad school, revisit some thoughts and concerns I had when I first moved to Athens and to explain where I am now. (Ha! Am I living in the world of academia or what? That's my SOP right there...)

Reflecting upon some blogs that I've written in the past I see a recurring theme: community. So what? What's the big deal with community? Why have I been so concerned with it? This is something I will come back to in a moment. First...

Here's a fun fact about grad school that no one shared with me before: When you go to grad school, your life will be consumed by academia. Subsequently, this makes it easy to lose touch with friends, family and yourself.

No kidding?

Seriously. It happens.

I was very worried, when I first moved to Athens, that in the short time that I would have in this town, I would not be able to cultivate a community that would make me feel as at home as I felt in Grand Rapids. Although I made friends with people in the department, I was feeling very lonely and was even bordering depression for my first quarter. To make up for this, rather in actuality to deny myself any understanding of these feelings, I drowned myself in work.

In my own defense, I really didn't know what to expect as far as the workload was concerned for my first year here. I also don't think I was the only one. There were many times when I would walk into the grad student office and the stress was so high I could feel it. It was easy for us to play the comparison game, "How far did you get on such and such assignment?" "I've got a couple pages written." "Oh, okay. I have five pages done so far..." You know, that sort of thing does not help a person deal with stress, really. It only cultivates such feelings, causing one to freak out and spend an unnecessary amount of time on particular papers, projects, etc. Similarly, and this is something I've recently realized, worrying and freaking out about the amount of work one has as a grad student does nothing to alleviate the situation, it's just another form of procrastination and makes you and others feel bad. But I digress.

I was on the same boat as the other grads, stressed-out, worried and emersing myself in any work that came my way. In doing this I lost touch with myself. I questioned who I was, why I even bothered with grad school, if I was really cut out to do this academic stuff and why I was in Athens. It was a rough time.

Returning to Grand Rapids for winter break helped to ground me and my trip to Nicaragua was eye-opening. Many of you remember the trials and tribulations that I faced and shared via blog, I'm sure. Being around those that I had come to call "family" in GR helped me to realize what I need to be healthy, to be grounded, to be sane. I don't need stuff, things or money, no. I need community. I need the love and support of the people around me.

This is an interesting concept to me, especially since I've been diving into bell hooks' recent publication, Belonging: A Culture of Place (I highly recommend it), which deals with topics such as mountain top removal, topophillia, ecology, environmental sustainability, local organic food production and spirituality, as well as the politics of race, gender and class. In addition to all of these issues, hooks also explores her connection with the place of her upbringing. This caused me to reflect on my own childhood.

It makes sense to me now, why I crave community so badly. I recall growing up in an environment that was often characterized by emotional and physical drought. Not that I was never shown love, that's not the case at all, my family loved me very much. Rather, my family was often busy either working to make ends meet or continuing their education to try to get better pay to support us (the children). I was often left alone. However, when there was an extended weekend or time for vacation it was like a monsoon of connectivity occurred. There were many occasions when our house was full of guests either for a holiday or simply a weekend cookout. Some days it was just a gathering after church to enjoy barbacoa fresh from the butcher.

These gatherings were not limited to family but also neighbors and friends. When these events happened there was an obvious atmosphere of happiness. I could feel an outpouring of love and acceptance from those who attended. I was so young then, I didn't understand what the adults were talking about, I didn't need to understand though. What I witnessed stayed with me into adulthood. The community that my mother and father created for themselves in Pontiac was their web of support. They were the people that my family depended upon and there was a palpable sense of love and respect between my parents and their extended family.

I long for those days to return.

Looking back to when I first began to create my own community in Grand Rapids, I held art parties and potlucks with people that I had met through work (then I worked as a waitress at a Mexican restaurant and a barrista in a coffee shop). These people came from all walks of life and exposed me to new ideas, music, food... so much! This exposure enriched my life. Though at the time I had been extremely busy, working two jobs and going to school full time, I made time to gather with these people so that I could feel that connection to something other than the work that seemed so close to consuming my life. These people were those that I considered to be my extended family, people with whom I shared a mutul support, respect and love.

It took me a couple of years before I was able to cultivate this community in Grand Rapids. I realize now it was because I was not aware that this is what I needed to keep myself grounded. The time it took to find these wonderful people however, is what made me fear for the time I would spend here in Athens. I assumed that I would not create a new community until I was nearly finished with graduate school. Boy was I wrong!

As I said before, it was returning to Grand Rapids for winter break and my trip to Nicaragua that snapped me out of my funk. So, upon returning to Athens I recognized that I needed to make some changes in my life. I needed to re-establish that work-life balance and to create the community that I so deeply longed for in Athens.

I'm happy to say that I feel more at home in Athens now than I ever have before. My friends are not limited to the department but are quite diverse, ranging from townies to professors. Attending potlucks, cookouts and holding potlucks/cookouts of my own has helped me to expand my circle of friends. Also, some of the classes that I have taken in women and gender studies has helped me meet some wonderful and amazing people.

By visiting the farmer's market on a regular basis I have come to know some farmers by name. More often than not, while shopping for fresh, local produce, I run into people that I know and have joyful conversations beneath a beautiful blue sky. I have also come to know the owners and staff of one of my favorite restaurants as well as a couple of local bars.

On another note, I have learned to recognize when I've been working too much and have learned to take time for myself. I'm so thankful that Athens is located in the foothills of Appalachia. Hiking, swimming, canoeing are all accessible options for a much needed time-out. Although it's nice to surround myself by friends it's also so necessary for me to have time alone, to recharge. This is always best accomplished, for me, by getting out into nature.

Evidently, I really enjoy life here in Athens. I love my friends and my home (if you haven't seen the photos, you should check them out). It's really beautiful out here. There really isn't much more a girl could ask for.

I'm often asked what I plan to do when I graduate from grad school. Honestly, I don't know and I don't care to think that far ahead because I'm enjoying life right now. If it came down to it though, I know I would be happy staying in Athens. I do know, however, that I don't anticipate continuing on for my PhD. Mostly because I don't think academia is where I want to be and that's okay.

This has been a great year of growth for me. I'm truly blessed. Thanks to everyone who has helped to make this town my home. You are all very wonderful people and I'm happy to have you in my life.

Peace.

The adventure of life is to learn.
The goal of life is to grow.
The nature of life is to change.
The challenge of life is to overcome.
The essence of life is to care.
The secret of life is to dare.
The beauty of life is to give.
The joy of life is to love!
~William Arthur Ward
P.S. A practical update on my status as a grad student will follow shortly.

Exploration, Rationalization, Realization

Let me preface this blog by saying I can probably rationalize any situation you put before me- it's my gift and my curse. Although I understand the processes behind situations, this does not prevent me from being overwhelmed by them. This blog has morphed over the last few days from an exploration of mourning to highly emotional thought-processes, back to self-awareness and spiritual dwelling.

Being that it has been a few days coming, this is long and perhaps confusing because I am vague on details. Still, it is a window into me and if you're willing to take a moment to peer inside then thank you for sharing this with me.

Recap

So these last two weeks -please pardon the cliche- have been a complete roller coaster of emotions for me. Some moments I'm fine. At other times I am complete mess of tears, unable to stop and unsure as to why I'm really crying. Some days the world is great and I understand my place and purpose, other days I just want to step off of this wheel because I'm too lost to keep going. It is the human experience. As strong and level headed as I may wish to be, hope to present on the exterior, I am only human.

I don't know if I've ever truly experienced mourning to such a degree before in my life. Or if I have, I did not recognize my feelings to be mournful. Joana put it best when she wrote to me:

"It's weird how sometimes the only thing that seems to lessen heartbreak is blame or anger.. that little piece of something to hold onto. and when you don't have that.. shit. damnit - now what? just cry until your eyeballs feel like they're floating around in their sockets and out onto your cheeks??!? ... it is mourning in its most real sense. there is no logic or control or talking yourself out of it. it's part of the process."

This is exactly how I feel when these fits of sadness come on. I have had no label to put on it really. In past incidents I've been angry over the wrong that had been done to me and I could simply focus all of my energy in that direction and eventually I got over it. In this case I've had none of that to hold on to. Despite being able to rationalize the situation, I was still feeling sad, vulnerable and yes, occasionally unloved/able. I couldn't explain it away.

It took the persuasion of one of my committee members, a professor I was having a meeting with, to convince me that I needed to take a day off and mourn- and that it was okay! Obviously, I heeded her advice and took a day to myself. It was well deserved and I felt ten times better afterward.

So I can say that I understand and accept the situation as it is. I have control over myself, my actions and my thoughts in this, and nothing else. It takes two to tango, so to speak, if one of us cannot handle the long distance thing then we can't force it to work. That doesn't change how much we care about each other, or the great times we've had, or what we've been able to learn from each other. I understand why it is what it is. Concomitantly, just because I can rationalize this and see it from all sides does not discount my feelings, it does not make them invalid or unnecessary.

A tangent on the social constructions of love and happiness

I am surrounded by love. There are so many people in my life that have been kind enough to share this with me and I am so blessed to have them in my life.

It's difficult sometimes, though, because our society has placed so much value on romantic relationships, life-partners, marriage, family- all of these things outside the realm of just friendship (which I would argue can be way more influential than family at times) - many people weigh their happiness and success in life according to their experience with these social behaviors. In one of my fits of sadness, I really let my guard down and allowed my ego to creep up.

Based on the social constructions of love and relationships, thoughts ran through my mind: What did I do wrong? Am I ever going to find that special someone? Will I ever find that someone to share affection, appreciation, allowing, attention and acceptance? How could I possibly expect to meet anyone while I'm so involved with school? Does that mean that if I continue on for my PhD that I will be lonely throughout my career in academia? If I meet someone after I graduate with my PhD, will my mom be around if I choose to have a family?

A slight aside here. I wasn't thinking about any of these things while being in this last relationship or even beforehand for that matter. Everything was glorious and I was perfectly happy with the way things were, precariousness and all. There was no need to dwell on any of this. It was when it ended that my ego decided to step in and bring its faithful friend fear along with it.

Some of these thoughts are just silly for me to be thinking about- but apparently natural for anyone facing fears of abandonment and rejection. I've never been the kind of person to believe there is just one person out there for everyone. I know that love is not restricted to one person or to simply being romantic. I believe wholeheartedly in the idea that people come in and out of our lives for a reason and a certain amount of time, for me, it takes a lot (you must have done something really bad to me) for me to stop loving any of these people. This is inclusive of friends. I've also never really been the kind of person to believe in marriage; it seems like a performance that one makes for the sake of their family, friends and ego that wraps love up in prada and cocktail shrimp for all to gawk at. Marriage is so consumptive-based that it seems to lose the essence of what love is. I also recognize and respect that for some people it is not so much a performance as it is an expression of the commitment being made to their partner.

Seeing many of my friends, my peers, in committed relationships, getting married, having children really gets me thinking though: Am I really where I ought to be right now? I'm thankful that I can answer this with certainty and say "yes."

Oh what a tangent that was!

Lessons

As stated before, I believe that our paths cross for a certain period of time in order for us to learn a lesson from the other. I realize that I am being redundant because I've stated this before in other blogs but I will reiterate for my own sake. Being in this last relationship has been an eye-opener for me. I have come to learn so much about myself. About what I am capable of offering another in love and friendship. I have learned where I am willing to compromise myself and in what ways I am not. I have been able to face my fears of commitment and abandonment and therefore have been able to grow and blossom in ways I wouldn't have imagined before.

The momentary lapse of sanity mentioned above was just that. I am so happy with where I am in life right now. I am happy for my friends who have found that special someone and are creating their own families- that is awesome. It's simply not for me, not right now. I don't think I can iterate enough how amazing my friends are and how much I appreciate the love that we share. Without them I don't think I could come to my realization that while romantic love is nice and welcomed, I do not need it to be happy ( I use my instead of the because it is my truth). I am always connected to and surrounded by love, it's just a matter of recognizing it - just thinking about that is an awesome thing! (Thanks Charles!)

By the same token, that doesn't mean that I need to try to be happy when I'm feeling sad. Even though I can rationalize a situation and understanding that I am surrounded by love, I do not have try to rationalize away my emotions. It's okay to mourn the loss of something. It is necessary to experience the emotions as they arise, recognizing what they are and letting them run their course. Like a river that cuts through the mountainside this outpouring of emotion can clear the way for new beginnings.

I find it interesting that as we leave a relationship we hold the other up, painting them to be something they never claimed to be. In my case, I created an illusion of what was, could have been, what I believed to be inherently true. I was devastated when our relationship ended. I was then deeply disappointed when I discovered another truth. As the Dalai Lama would argue, however, nothing inherently exists. It is circumstances that create meanings, a kind of dependent-arising if you will. Disappointment is a kind of loss, the loss of what we had hoped something was or could be. At the bottom is the loss of an illusion to which we were clinging or on which we relied. It has taken me some time to understand the circumstantial meanings of all of this. It has been an exercise, of putting together the pieces of the puzzle but now it all makes sense. So much so that it makes me laugh now. Thank you for freeing me from yet another one of my illusions.

What a journey this has been! Thank you so much to those of you who have shown me love and support throughout all of this!

Peace,
Mari